Who says that Halloween has to be the only holiday we associate with horror movies? Sure, it may be the spookiest month, but there’s enough pent up bloodthirst all year round, and baby, we gotta get it out from New Years to Christmas. The flexibility of horror is why it’s such a fun genre to tackle, and we’ve seen in the past that if there’s a holiday, someone can get brutally murdered during it. St. Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving, hell, even Independence Day, truly there is no holiday where you are safe from some sicko trying to ruin the fun.

Valentine’s Day is no different, and it honestly kinda makes sense. It’s a holiday often filled with unrequited feelings that can boil to a breaking point that just makes you want to cut someone’s head off. Not talking from personal experience, if my wife happens to be watching this. From the obvious like My Bloody Valentine and simply Valentine, to the somewhat adjacent Bride of Chucky and The Loved Ones, it’s clear that romance and murder is a match made in heaven.

And now we have Heart Eyes throwing its creepy custom gas mask into the ring of holiday horror movies. The film centers around a masked killer the emerges every Valentine’s Day to kill unsuspecting couples just trying to feel the love in the air. This year Ally, a struggling pitch designer, is unintentionally thrown into a meet cute with fellow designer Jay, and one kiss is all it takes for the Heart Eyes Killer to set his bright red sights on these two love birds in denial.

Sounds pretty basic and predictable? Yeah, that’s because it is. For slashers to work for me in this modern era post Scream and Cabin in the Woods, the film needs to be bolstered by a few things; mainly it’s setup, its writing and its kills. Unfortunately, Heart Eyes only succeeds on occasion, hardly ever throwing me for a loop or gushing with enough personality to truly stand out in my eyes. It does have some fun deaths and occasionally the writing got a laugh out of me, but come on. We’ve seen this song and dance before, and it wasn’t exactly executed well enough to make me want to see it again.

Take our two MCs, Ally and Jay, played respectively by Oliva Holt and Mason Gooding. Both are no strangers to the slasher genre, with Holt appearing in 2023’s Totally Killer and Gooding appearing in both of the latest Scream films. I think each of them do an okay enough job, but for a film that kinda needs to revolve around the romantic chemistry of its leads, I honestly wasn’t feeling the connection. Their dynamic is pulled right out of a million Hallmark movies; a busybody girl who has given up on the idea of love, and the hot prince of a man that’s going to turn it all around for her. Truth be told, I don’t have a problem with this kind of setup if it’s going to play against expectations. And the film kinda does this at first, as the two constantly have to shout at the Heart Eyes Killer that they aren’t in love as if that’s going to stop him from hunting and killing them. Their budding romance is very predictable, and I honestly think it would have been funnier if it didn’t happen at all. Like, the whole reason the killer is following them is because they kissed in order to make her ex jealous, and I think it could have been funny to actually make them hate each other. The film could have started out with the possibility of them being together, but then it all gets dashed as soon as the knives come out. Then you could have had a few wacky setups of them trying to show how much they aren’t in love, like trying to screw each other over when the killer is after them, only realizing later they need to band together to stay alive. It could have been a bit of an anti-Valentines film with this as well, but I get them wanting to make this a holiday classic that couples could throw on every year. 

As we know from horror films, if there’s love, or lust in the air, stabbing and maiming is sure to follow shortly. The brutality in the film wasn’t as consistent as I would have liked, but when it hits, it hits pretty satisfyingly. The film opens with a newly engaged couple getting murdered, with the bride-to-be getting squished in a vat until she’s reduced into a crimson barrel of blood wine. It’s disgusting and funny and it really revs you up for more kills like that…and then the movie kinda just stops doing them. Yeah, the film segues really quickly into romantic comedy territory, which goes on for so long that you might actually forget you’re watching a horror movie. I get it’s there to develop the lead’s relationship, but I still feel like more could have been sprinkled in to let us know a killer is still out there. We hear about Heart Eyes’ next few kills on the news, but I think we could have afforded to see these murders played out, even if only for brief moments. But luckily the back half of the film is mostly a chase that happens all in one night, which means we get to see a lot more gory kills. Heads roll and skin holes get made, and these scenes are definitely the highlight of the film.

As for the comedy, I found it to be pretty hit or miss. There’s some great lines and deliveries here, but not everything lands. The film isn’t bogged down by copious amounts of irony like you might expect from a genre that’s really run its course, but even still, I kinda wish it was a bit more clever in how it presented the main relationship. Again, I just think it would’ve been more funny if they hated each other. The funniest moments in the film are usually involving the two of them arguing, so can you blame me for wanting to see more of that? Maybe it could have gone more out there, crafting a world that felt like an artificially peppy Hallmark movie that the two leads could have contrasted against, almost revolting against a world that is trying to drive them together, and now they’re gonna get killed for it. 

Despite me thinking this film is just fine, I still see the potential in this to entertain audiences. It delivers on more holiday themed horror that many seem to enjoy, with a twisted cupid ripping the hearts out of as many lovers as he can. The leads are charming, even if their chemistry didn’t always work for me, and the kills are a bloody good time that I just wish we got to see more of. It’s not going to rejuvenate the slasher genre or make you view the holiday through a different lens, but I wouldn’t call it a slog if you’re looking to have a decent, short watch with your boo and/or bae. Alright, what’s the next holiday to get a horror movie? I’m thinking Arbor Day; trees come to life and start killing us as revenge for deforestation? Wait, I think M. Night already did that one.

RATING

BLEEDING HEART

Valentine’s Day: great for some, terrible for others. Alcohol is a bit similar, but whether you’re enjoying the holiday with your significant other or rolling solo, you deserve a great drink. This drink is a bit of a cross between a blackberry whiskey sour and a Last Word, stabbing you in the mouth upfront with bright, tart fruit flavors, followed by a nice lingering of botanical notes. Whether the pain you’re experiencing this Valentine’s Day is from love or a masked killer, you certainly can’t go wrong with this drink.

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz gin
• 1/2oz Chambord (or other blackberry liqueur)
• 1/4oz Maraschino liqueur
• 3/4oz lemon juice
• Dash of grenadine
• 1 egg white
• Dusting: Strawberry powder
• Tool: Heart stencil

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add all ingredients to a shaker and shake without ice for about 20 seconds.
2. Add ice and shake to chill.
3. Strain into a chilled coup glass.
4. Using a heart stencil, dust the strawberry powder on top of the cocktail to make a heart shaped design.

It’s that time again to put to much faith in the Academy and try to pick and predict who is going home with the gold this year! In the video above, you can check out who I want to win and who I think will win (two very different things).

But if you’re looking to throw an Oscars party this year and want a few themed drinks for the occasion, below I have provided a few cocktails I made last year that are inspired by films that are up for awards this season. Be sure to check them out, and let me know who you want to see win big this year!

GALINDA FIZZ (Wicked)

Known for being bubbly (both in personality and as a motif) Galinda felt like a great subject to center a cocktail around. I decided to do some experimenting with bubblegum flavored vodka, a flavor that may be divisive as it’s not a typically culinary ingredient. But, when paired with cooling peppermint and sweet raspberry, I think it creates something magical. To really up the magic of the cocktail (along with its sweetness and color), I made a sparkling wand from a Blowpop and pink sanding sugar that you can use as a stirring device that also adds a little bit of sweetness to the cocktail!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz bubblegum-infused vodka
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 1/2oz peppermint schnapps
• 1/2oz raspberry liqueur
• Top: Soda water
• Garnish: Pink sugar coated Blowpop

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add ingredients to a tall glass, with the soda water being last.
2. Coat your Blowpop with the sugar, using either lemon juice or your own saliva (if you’re making the drink for yourself)
3. Stir the drink with the Blowpop, adding additional sugar if you’d like to play with the color.
4. Add ice.

HIPPOCRAS (Gladiator II)

Did you know it’s incredibly easy to drink like the Romans did? Hippocras is a spiced wine concoction that has survived generations as a sort of mulled wine. Unlike mulled wine, however, this does not require a stovetop. Simply combine the ingredients, let them sit, and then serve hot, cold or room temperature. The spices come together in a Christmasy blend, while the sugar helps to sweeten it for those who don’t like their drinks too dry. The original recipe differs from this slightly, though this was made to be as accessible as possible. Most of these ingredients might be sitting in your spice rack right now!

INGREDIENTS

• 1 bottle red wine (dry wine preferably, like a pinot noir)
• 4 cinnamon sticks
• 2 inches peeled ginger
• 1/4tsp ground nutmeg
• 4 whole cloves
• 4 black peppercorns
• 2 sprigs rosemary
• 1/2 cup sugar

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine ingredients in a sealable container and let sit at room temperature for at least 24 hours.
2. Strain out left over spice remnants.
3. Serve at room temperature, or can be stored in the fridge to chill or heated on a saucepan.

PINK RUSSIAN (Anora)

The Pink Russian is a bit of a riff on the White Russian, which substitutes coffee flavors for chocolate and almond, alongside the modification of strawberry cream. This creates a delicious dessert cocktail that’s incredibly approachable, sweet and a tad fruity. A perfect winter or post-Vegas wedding drink, and even if you come to regret the marriage, you’ll never regret having this!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz vanilla vodka
• 1oz strawberry cream
• 1/2oz creme de cacao
• 1/2oz amaretto

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add all ingredients to a rocks glass filled with ice. Stir to combine.

THE ACTIVATOR (The Substance)

Have you ever dreamt of a better version of yourself? Younger, more beautiful, more perfect? Well, there’s no miracle cure to achieve that, but you know what has been making people looking better than they actually are since the beginning of man? Alcohol! The Activator will unlock that better you, all it takes is one (or two, I’m not your mom) injections. This fun, bright green cocktail is modeled after the titular substance in the film, packing a bright, citrusy flavor with a little bit of spice. To inject this beauty straight into your esophagus, I highly recommend using a fun cocktail syringe. Just don’t go too crazy; what is lost can not be reclaimed, including your dignity.

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5oz tequila
• 3/4oz Midori
• 3/4oz chili liqueur
• 1oz orange juice
• 1/2oz simple syrup
• 1/2oz lemon juice

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add ingredients to shaker and shake with ice.
2. Strain into glass over fresh ice.

PROXIMUS CAESAR (Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes)

What a wonderful day! Aren’t we grateful to be living in a time where our gracious ape overlords allow us to enjoy a sweet treat for the summer? Named after the pompous villain of the film, the Proximus Caesar is essentially a boozy banana smoothie given a bit of richness thanks to coffee liqueur, as well as a bit of burn thanks to two different rums. Simply throw the ingredients in a blender to create this great achievement in ape advancement! Now is the time to return to monke.

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz rum
• 1/2oz overproof rum
• 1.5oz coconut cream
• 1.5oz coffee liqueur
• 3/4oz lime juice
• 1/2 banana
• Garnish: Mint sprig
• Garnish: Caramelized banana slice

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add ingredients to a blender along with 1 cup of ice. Blend until smooth.
2. Pour into copper julep mug (or regular cocktail glass if preferred).
3. Garnish with mint sprig and caramelized banana slice.

WATER OF LIFE (Dune Part 2)

The Water of Life is drunk by incoming Reverend Mothers, a high ranking position among the Fremen that Lady Jessica finds herself slotted into. Don’t let its electric blue sheen fool you; it’s a highly dangerous poison that will kill most men who drink it. Oh, and it’s worm piss. Piss from a worm. For this cocktail I wanted to tap into the middle eastern inspirations that influenced the design of the Fremen, and to do that we’re going to be using a popular Middle Eastern anise-flavored liqueur called arak, as well as a blend of spices to give this a bit of a kick. It’s quite the unique cocktail, one that may leave you seeing the future if you’re not careful. Just know you can’t blame me for any holy wars you may enact.

Potion Bottles

Ingredients

• 3/4oz arak
• 3/4ozoz blue curacao
• 1oz mezcal
• 1/4oz – 1/2oz baharat simple syrup
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 1oz coconut water

Baharat Simple Syrup Recipe

• 2tbsp cumin
• 1tbsp black pepper
• 1tbsp coriander
• 1tbsp paprika
• 1tsp cardamon
• 1/2tsp cloves
• 1/2tsp nutmeg
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup water

Instructions

1. Add ingredients to a shaker and shake with ice.
2. Strain into cocktail glass.

Dracula. Frankenstein’s monster. Harvey Weinstein. Terrifying monsters from movies who have continued to find new ways to scare us since their inception long ago. And that’s exactly what 2025 is trying to do to ring in the new year with Wolf Man, a modernized take on the Universal classic about the man who is also a wolf. Whether it be through the 1940s Lon Chaney picture or the 2010 reboot, you’re probably at least familiar with the concept of a werewolf. Yes, we’ll accept Twilight as well, there’s no judgement here. 

So I was actually pretty curious to see this film considering director Leigh Whannell’s last film was 2020’s The Invisible Man. This was a film that took another classic Universal monster and modernized to better reflect modern fears and paranoias. While it’s not perfect, I respected the swings he took to make the iconic concept hit a little closer to home.

And you know what, he attempts the same kind of approach with Wolf Man, tying the horrendous process of slowly turning into a monster with the inheriting of family trauma and the drive to be the one to break that chain for your own children. He attempted that, at least. Wolf Man doesn’t exactly stick the landing as gracefully with its metaphors this time around, which isn’t the end of the world as long as the film at least delivers on some monstrous fun. Unfortunately, that isn’t really the case here. While I think it starts off pretty strong, the film eventually becomes a slog that seems to lose sight of bringing its themes full circle, instead focusing on lackluster scares in its poorly lit setting. There’s some good ideas here, but the eternal theme of wrestling with the beast inside is possibly the weakest link.

So the film follows a family relocating to the husband’s late father’s farm, but a terrible accident caused by some bipedal monster forces them to take shelter in the old farmhouse. But the husband begins to slowly lose himself, having been infected by a disease that quickly aims to do a bit more than put a little hair on his chest.

I think this film starts out pretty great, really setting a solid, ominous tone. A small hunting trip between father and son quickly grows incredibly tense, and while there’s no huge payoff, it gets things moving in the right direction. But unfortunately, I think the film struggles to maintain that tension as it goes on. Once they make it into the house, things get pretty slow and repetitive, not exactly making the best use of such a claustrophobic space. A lot of the horror from there comes from the metamorphosis of the father into the wolfman. It can be pretty gross at times, but also feels like a far cry from the brutality of something like An American Werewolf in London. The transformation is more of a slowly building sickness rather than an agonizing shift into a beast, so you get a few teeth falling out here and a little bit of arm skin being gnawed off there. A pretty interesting addition is the separation between how the infected father and the rest of the family see the world. When we’re in the dad’s POV, the world glows a haunting blueish green and he’s no longer able to understand his family, which is a truly frightening idea. But the final look for the wolfman isn’t anything all that crazy or interesting. Sorry furries, but he’s way more man than wolf in this one.

So, the way the wolf man stuff works is that it needs to be passed from one recipient to another. In this case, our protagonist Blake is scratched by another wolfman and slowly begins to change. As he changes, he loses more and more of himself until he’s all monster. This connects to his harsh upbringing with his militant father, and how those temper issues slowly begin to take root in Blake as an adult, which strains his own relationship with his wife and daughter. I think that’s a pretty solid take on this type of story, but unfortunately, it just doesn’t come together completely. This is shown through Blake just being harsh one or two times, and you never really believe it’s as big of an issue as the film wants you to think. Once Blake is mostly through his transformation, the story shifts to being more from his wife Charlotte’s point of view, which means we end up losing that internal struggle he’s facing. Charlotte actually ends up getting more to do in the film this way, but the film doesn’t follow through with her own internal dilemma established early on. She expresses fear that she’s lost her relationship with her daughter because of how much she works, but their actual relationship is hardly given any development or even acknowledgement. This leaves someone as talented as Julia Garner without much character to work with. And since we are no longer seeing the world primarily through the eyes of Blake, his connection to the point the film is trying to make feels nonexistent, as he loses the agency to even wrestle with it. 

But you probably want to know if it’s scary or not. In my opinion, it’s scariest when it’s slowly building dread, creeping up on you and getting under your skin with some admittedly effective sound design. When it becomes more of a creature flick, it loses a lot of its scariness in my opinion. You get a little bit of wolfman on wolfman action, but it’s so quick and unfocused that I’d hardly consider it a fun time. The climax essentially becomes a game of cat and mouse around the farm that could have been pretty heart pumping; there’s just one problem. You can’t see a goddamn thing that’s happening. By far my biggest complaint with this film is how it handles darkness, and since most of the story takes place in the middle of the night, that’s a good chunk of this film. These scenes of complete darkness are borderline incomprehensible. There’s a whole sequence in a barn where I couldn’t tell who was where and what was being done. In this annoying trend of modern films trying to capture authentic darkness, they’ve completely shrouded their film in a dark void to the point where you could close your eyes and see just about as much. I know darkness is used to hide imperfections, but the setting? The characters? Little actions that weigh heavily on the plot? Don’t you want people to see those? Look at Nosferatu! That film is dark as hell, but it’s stylized and colored in a way that when you’re meant to see something…you can actually see it! What a concept! What was I talking about? Oh yeah, sure. It’s a little scary at first but not really by the end.

Wolf Man is not a complete and total waste though. I do think the dread and slowly building anxiety of the situation can be pretty effective, and there’s a halfway decent attempt at connecting a pretty basic horror setup to a very real anxiety about inheriting the worst parts of our upbringing. But outside of that, you’re not going to find too much to get excited for. Lacking in both the charm to make this a bit of fun or the emotional maturity to really make this resonate, Wolf Man spends its slower moments failing to tap into the man, while the more high octane moments never really let the wolf run crazy. And Jesus, the visual style is at best competent and at worst unseeable. Even with all these complaints, it’s still one of the better Blumhouse movies to come out in a hot minute, so there’s a little victory for ya. But I’m willing to let Whannel give it another crack. I’m looking forward to seeing how he ties The Creature From the Black Lagoon to the horrors of motherhood, or something like that.

RATING

In 2024, I saw over 100 new releases, and if you’re asking yourself “why the f*ck would he try to rank all of those films”, well, I am too. It’s a daunting and honestly kind of arbitrary task, but damn, do I love myself a list. So here is a very loose ranking of every new release I saw in 2024. Most of these are 2024; there are some that are technically 2023 releases, but didn’t see a wide release in America until this year, so I’m gonna go ahead and count those. I’ve also included my top 20 video and my bottom 10 video if you’d like to cut to the chase and see what I thought was the best of the best (and the worst of the worst).

#104 – #80

#79 – #60

#59 – #40

#39 – #20

#19 – #11

#10 – #1

#104. Imaginary

Blumhouse has been peddling some true stinkers for a while now. Occassionally you get one that’s a little fun like M3gan, but more often than not you’re getting unoriginal, unscary, cheaply made nothings designed to make a cheap buck. Imaginary isn’t the only film of its ilk on this list, but it’s definitely the worst of the bunch that I’ve seen. It’s another haunted doll movie from the haunted doll factory that manages to be predictable, lazy, and worst of all, unimaginative. Every character in this is insufferable and a headache to follow, while the scares are your typical “thing comes around the corner really fast” set to loud music. There’s hardly any tension or suspense in the pacing or the editing, coming off as just a worse version of Insidious; a haunted house film that eventually leads to a journey into the ghost dimension thanks to Old Lady Exposition. The set design of Imagination Land or whatever the f*ck it’s called is probably the best part of the film, but it comes too little too late. The only thing this had me imagining was a better movie.

RATING: 1/5

#103. Madame Web

A genuine achievement, and I’m being totally serious. Not often does a studio continue to one-up itself with each following fumble, but Sony isn’t just any old studio. They’re the home of “We own the rights? Then let’s make the movie!”, no matter how miniscule or unimportant the character is. From conception to the credits, this film is a pile of confoundment that truly must be seen to be believed. Next to nothing about this film works; its cast is wooden and misused, the technicals are laughably shoddy, the writing isn’t a first draft, it’s a first thought. It all ends up boiling down to a film that is actually genuinely entertaining at times. I can’t remember the last time a big studio put out something almost so bad it’s good unironically (they thought they had it with Morbius and paid the price upon re-release). Everything from the cringey line deliveries to the poorly conceived motivations to a character having what seems like all of his lines done poorly in post, Madame Web is truly something else. Truthfully, it didn’t fill me with the disdain that some of the other films on this list gave me, and that’s why it doesn’t take the number one spot.

RATING: 1/5

FULL REVIEW

#102. Red One

You know, I usually scoff at people that make a big fuss about the overly commercialized nature of Christmas overtaking the more important emotions of the season, but with a film like this, I can definitely feel where they’re coming from. Straight off the “safe and market tested” assembly line, Red One is shockingly void of anything remotely resembling holiday cheer other than the fact it happens to feature Santa Claus, snowmen and Krampus. Mostly feeling like a vanity project for star Dwayne Johnson, the film features stale action, drab visuals, and phoned in performances, with the only real admirable element being the film’s sparse but appreciated prosthetic work. It doesn’t matter how much glitter and ribbons you put on it; a lump of coal is still a lump of coal.

RATING: 1.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#101. Lift

An utterly sauceless vanity vehicle trying to convince us Kevin Hart can play the cool, suave anti-hero with a heart of gold. It checks all the boxes of your generic heist movies, yet performs with the kind of misplaced sincerety that makes you believe they thought they were making something incredible. Hart is unfortunately unfunny due to the script’s shortcomings as well as the design of the character not being able to lend itself to his strengths as a comedian. It’s cliche as hell, from motion graphics letting us know who THE HACKER of the team is to recycled genre lines like “Are you still mad about that job in *foreign city*. The first five minutes featured an egregious ADR blunder and an NFT heist, which is enough of a warning to just turn it off right then and there.

RATING: 1.5/5

#100. Jackpot!

Has to be the most annoying film I saw this year. The terrible comedy just never stops, never giving you a repreave, waterboarding you with the most bland, unfunny situational comedy. John Cena, the golden goose that he is, can’t even salvage the shit he’s fed with his comedic timing. The fun, Purge-like concept is drowned underneath a toothless use of an R-rating and a directing style that just isn’t up to snuff with the madness it’s trying to capture. This almost became a DNF because of the huge headache it brought on, but I stuck it out for you. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

RATING: 1.5/5

#99. Unfrosted

The movie WOKE HOLLYWOOD doesn’t want you to see! Tongue and cheek and obviously yearning for the days when silly comedies like these were on top, yet this commits the cardinal sin that set’s it a part from other films of its ilk: it’s not funny. Good for one or two laughs but it’s an incredibly phoned in celebrity hangout caught on camera kind of film. Cameos pop in to deliver some of the most underbaked jokes and puns imaginable, with the main cast being just as bad if not worse. Senfield can’t act, we know this, but his inability to even sell the silliness of the film while in character makes it look like he doesn’t even have the heart for this project, AND HE DIRECTED IT! I liked the implication JFK was assassinated by milk men though. A minor bright spot, and I can only wonder how much funnier this could have been if someone who actually managed to evolve their comedy with the times had directed this.

RATING: 1.5/5

#98. Night Swim

Oh boy, another Blumhouse stinker. Night Swim shows droplets of promise with its premise, but unfortunately it can’t muster up enough creativity to turn it into anything worthwhile. The actors are fed embarrassing lines and story beats that severely underutilizes their talents (Kerry Condon, what are you doing here?), while the story itself can’t find ways to scare you outside of the most obvious jump scares that can be found literally everywhere else. This slice of summertime horror’s only saving grace was that it’s relatively short and was made for next to nothing, so it can continue to fuel the content factory that is Blumhouse. I appreciate Blumhouse giving opportunities to first-time directors, but can we start making movies that aren’t just easy cash grabs that require minimal effort? Just skip this one. You’ll find more enjoyment jumping headfirst into the shallow end.

RATING: 1.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#97. This is Me…Now

LOL. LMAO, even. If you want a taste of grade-A celebrity delusion, look no further than this mini-musical from Jennifer Lopez. A fantastical semi-autobiography that details Lopez’s journey to find love again, while also learning to love herself! I’ll give credit where credit is due, a lot of the musical numbers are genuinely visually impressive, despite some laughable choreography at times. It’s the narrative web that combines these moments together that’s the real problem. Though it may try to convince you to be an earnest self reflection, this does nothing to convince me that Lopez’s journey of love and loss has made her change in any kind of meaningful way. How Affleck listened to the pitch of this and agreed to go along with it (only to seemingly break-up later this year) is beyond me. Mercifully it’s barely an hour, and the ridiculousness does provide a good few laughs. It isn’t the only Lopez misstep at the movies this year, but it’s certainly the weakest.

RATING: 1.5/5

#96. Trigger Warning

It isn’t the cringey piece of social commentary a title like that may have you believe, but what it is is an incredibly forgettable action thriller; Netflix’s bread and butter! There are some blips of creativety, mostly in how some of the fight scenes are choreographed, but it doesn’t help that everything built around it is cliche and uninteresting. The pieces are there; a badass veteran returning to her home town and getting caught up in a conspiracy that involves more people than she thinks, and Jessica Alba is showing a side of her I quite enjoy, but could they really not have spared any kind of personality? Not egregious, but unjustifiably a time waster.

RATING: 1.5/5

#95. Rebel Moon – Part 2: The Scargiver

Yet another display of director Zack Snyder’s worst habits; characters lacking true maturity to be taken seriously, dialogue that says little despite a lot being spoken, and hacked-to-bits action sequences that suffer from either poorly designed setups or an atrocious overreliance on slow motion. This “mature” Star Wars riff only earns that title through heightened violence and more depressing character moments, but neither of these carry enough emotional weight to truly matter by the end. Just watch Andor instead.

RATING: 1.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#94. Venom: The Last Dance

As a lifelong fan of the character, I feel I should be more disappointed in Sony’s handling of a Venom trilogy, but truthfully, I’m just numb to it. While the previous two films has their flaws, I wouldn’t exactly call them “boring”. Yet this third installment takes the misguided efforts of the first three films and injects them into a painfully uninteresting plot that does next to nothing to build upon the relationship of our two main characters while trying to pass this off as a sappy send-off. Despite setting itself up to be far more goofy, the film never really capitalizes on the absurdity, instead settling on generic story beats and sequences that don’t come together to form the satisfying send-off you would expect. I would highly advise refraining from a last dance if you barely have any legs to stand on in the first place.

RATING: 1.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#93. Atlas

I’ll give this credit, it’s not the worst thing Jennifer Lopez has found herself in this year, but it certainly isn’t good either. An incredibly generic plot is bolstered to a by-the-numbers human/AI relationship that does the bare minimum in exploring our relationship to technology. The performances aren’t terrible, though their direction certainly falls short, which can also be said about the film’s lackluster world building and lead threat. It screams “Netflix original” until it’s blue in the face, and by the time I was done with Atlus, all I could do was shrug.

RATING: 2/5

#92. Argylle

The “twisted” mind of Matthew Vaughn may need to be examined by professionals, because his gaudy action films are starting to get out of hand. While the story is admittedly interesting, the execution fell flat for me because of its visual style and its writing. The film really tries to convince you that you’re watching something fun and exciting, but like many of its sequences and settings, it feels very artificial. For all its silliness and bright colors, I found it to be lacking even the smallest, most passable amount of depth and humor needed to get me to invest myself in this. Over-gorging itself on visual flair to the point of sickness and regulating it’s talented cast to half-baked comedy, the only mystery here is how it all came to be such a mess.

RATING: 2/5

FULL REVIEW

#91. Sweet Dreams

While the intentions may have been sincere, this blend of non-actors and therapy-speak just didn’t hit for me on an emotional or comedic level. I won’t fault Knoxville for trying something more dramatic, but it ended up feeling woefully impersonal despite it’s heavier themes of addiction and recovery. It just can’t figure out a way to tell you it’s themes and emotions without directly beating you over the head with them. Character personalities are inconsistent, and while their comradery is occasionally enjoyable, the dialogue ranges from hit or miss riffs to flatly delivered exposition to insincere, textbook regurgitations on the struggles of recovery. Knoxville doesn’t get hit in the dick once, and I’m surprised that’s what I’m missing.

RATING: 2/5

#90. The Beekeeper

John Wick with bees. Sounds just dumb enough to be enjoyable, but that isn’t really the case here. It’s good for the usual Statham beat-em-up, but there’s not really much more to it’s identity or style. It really just feel regurgitative of other films of its ilk, failing to bring anything all the unique to the table. The action and presentation is just servicable, but there’s a severe amount of lulls inbetween scenes trying to expand the film’s world and the lore of the titular keeper of bees. A decent but forgettable time, and don’t worry, he never says anything like “You’ve just been pollonated”. But now I almost kind of want that movie?

RATING: 2/5

FULL REVIEW

#89. The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare

This felt like yet another retread for Ritchie, and while it’s slightly more interesting than last year’s Operation Fortune, it left me with about the same feeling. Ritchie really seems to dig these big team-up movies, yet hasn’t seemed to completely crack the code on how to structure them in unique ways. It’s a shame, because the charasmatic cast are having a delightful time mowing down Germans with their silly little accents. Yet, the characters they inhabit aren’t all that memorable and posses the depth of a puddle of water. The action can tide you over at times, but I found it disappointingly sparse, which wouldn’t be much of an issue if the surrounding story managed to at least be enticing. Buried inside here is an attractive story of espionage, power dynamics, and being too cool for costume parties, but it’s thrown to the wayside in favor of more “we’re essembling a team” nonsense.

RATING: 2/5

#88. Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire

This managed to be a halfway enjoyable time that unfortunately never really convinced me on the grounds of its existence. Lacking in the humor and scrappiness of the original films while also missing the somewhat endearing heart of its predecessor, Frozen Empire ends up doing its best MCU impression, with flat characters, lame dialogue, and an ice cold grip on the past it’s too afraid to move on from. The film never really nails that juggle of old and new characters, as previous characters from the prior film are put in the backseat while legacy characters with nothing more to build upon trudge along for one last hoorah. It’s not a complete visual eyesore at the least, but it’s apparently clear the intention here was to build up a franchise rather than deliver a memorable story.

RATING: 2/5

FULL REVIEW

#87. V/H/S/Beyond

The V/H/S franchise has always been a mixed bag, but I think most fans will tell you the same. This latest batch of shorts, this time focusing around sci-fi horror, is unfortunately more misses than hits. I hate to be a stickler, but some of these shorts just do not work well with the “found footage” structure, leading to shoehorned reasons for cameras to be rolling and leaps in logic to make sure you catch everything on camera. Yet, there are some winners, like Justin Long‘s “Furbabies” and Kate Siegel’s “Stowaway” that exist on very different spectrums yet make great use of the time and premise. Everything else can feel quite cheap and rough, even for a series that has thrived with low budgets. It’s good for a few moments of fun, but the series has better offerings elsewhere.

RATING: 2/5

#86. The Duel

This felt like something me and my friends would have made in college given a few thousand dollars, and I don’t really mean that in a good way. A half decent premise is overstuffed with the kind of faux-Coen Brothers/Tarantino “life is so deep, bro” dialogue that every film kid thinks is the most insightful and creative thing they’ve ever heard. My writing was like that at one point too so I can say that. It attempts to give the film the impression that it’s grander or more thought provoking than it actually is, but at the end of the day it’s more cringeworthy than anything. This also dampens the performances, who spout the kind of trite monologues and deliveries that have been repeated in every theater class across the country. It looks competent in its editing and lighting, but it did little to hook me outside of those elements.

RATING: 2/5

#85. Damsel

The middle chunk of this film is actually pretty solid; a fantasy survival film that actually felt fairly brutal at time for a PG-13 film. Millie does a pretty decent job selling the struggles, and some of the set design is actually pretty nice to look at. When the film shows of its more sweeping and large locations is when the film begins to look noticeably cheap, with a lot of these areas feeling too much like a soundstage due to uneven lighting and no real sense of presence. It just so happens that the film’s weakest narrative points also happen to take place in these locations as well. The beginning and end are fairly predictable teen fantasy but I do think there’s something worth seeing in between it all.

RATING: 2.5/5

#84. Spaceman

Project Hail Mary if it was more or less a snorefest. There’s some interesting visuals and introspection on the human desire for interaction, but it’s all presented through snails pace story and a sleepwalking Adam Sandler. I get why his character would be like this, given his isolation and relationship with his wife, but he’s not interesting or challenged enough to make me care about his journey to black holes and whatnot. It’s fine, but definitely not worth a rewatch. The Project Hail Mary movie can’t come soon enough.

RATING: 2.5/5

#83. Bob Marley: One Love

Exactly what you expect it to be; an unchallenging, straightforward look at a music icon and his journey through the world. The lead performance luckily doesn’t come off as a parody, and it was nice that the film didn’t try to de-Jamaicanize the people and the culture to be more approachable for Western audiences. Of course the music is fun, but you still get those scenes where Bob comes up with the most iconic string of words ever conceived either on the fly or right after he sees his inspiration. A passable and easy watch to give you more insight on the icon, just maybe not as much on the man behind it.

RATING: 2.5/

#82. I.S.S.

If Mark Wahlberg was there, things would have gone down a lot differently (no survivors).

A mostly successful paranoia thriller set in space that tests are alliances to man and nation, yet it kind of just meanders about while riding off of just enough tension to not put you to sleep. The visuals at least look great and the performances are all pretty solid, but this is still one of the most January-ass January releases. Not great, but not terrible.

RATING: 2.5/5

#81. Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F

A perfectly servicable legacy sequel that knows exactly what it is and doesn’t try to detour out of that area in the slightest. Murphy is of course the best part, even if it’s painfully obvious his heart isn’t as in this as before. The action is fine, but the comedy is missing that edge and fluidity that you just don’t find in movies much anymore. But this film took the oppurtunity to dunk of Jupiter Ascending, so it’s okay in my book.

RATING: 2.5

#80. The American Society of Magical Negroes

Despite a pretty significant satirical goal, this film ended up feeling all over the place in what it wanted its message to be. Sociatal issues like race definitiley require depth and an unflinching earnestness to look deeper into yourself and others, but this film doesn’t break much ground outside the surface. Think Sorry to Bother You if it was less edgy, less absurd, and less stylish. It offers caricatures but lacks the teeth to really sink into to sociopolitical issues the film wants to joke about. Luckily I found it to be mostly funny and I’ll watch anything with Justice Smith, but something like this deserves a lot more poignancy than what it got.

RATING: 2.5/5

#79. Rooster

The Lighthouse if it was set in the Australian bush, and I wish that it was as interesting as that sounds. It’s insanely dreary with all the calling cards of a “men being depressed men” art house flick; possibly dead wife/daughter that you only see in naked dream sequences, drinking your problems away, and getting naked with the homies. For all its symbolism and reflections I didn’t really find it to say anything all that worthwhile, though the offbeat relationship between the two leads does lead to some occassional endearment and laughs, largely due in part to Hugo Weaving’s performance. Not pointless, but not exactly thought provoking either.

RATING: 2.5/5

#78. In a Violent Nature

With all the elevated horror movies floating around out there nowadays, the slasher genre was probably overdue for an “elevation”. Following a film like that through the eyes of a silent, masked killer does sound interesting, until you realize that a lot of his time is just spent walking through the woods. I just didn’t really think this opened the door for any new introspection on this kind of character or genre. These characters are usually blank slates that are just the to represent a looming fear that may be representation of a deeper issue or emotion. Putting all the focus on the killer removes some of that mystique and doesn’t really serve a greater purpose in my eyes. Yet, the kills are aptly brutal, and I actually really liked the ending of this. It’s not what you might expect, but I love the implication of what it presents, it’s just too bad implication is completely thrown out the window for the majority of the film.

RATING: 2.5/5

#77. Cuckoo

This felt like an instance where the intelligence(?) of the script got lost in production. There’s certainly something under the surface that could give this film meaning, but it never materializes. There are solid moments of paranoia and anxiety, but it builds towards nothing of note other than a rapid fire of ideas that don’t add up to much. Schaffer does a solid job despite weak characterization, which is a shame considering the film did so much to make me root against her throughout. It left me with questions I know a 2nd viewing wouldn’t give me, and I can’t really be damned to do a deep dive into what was intended. While I can’t say I hated it, this severely disappointed me.

RATING: 2.5/5

#76. Emilia Perez

This film has been getting a ton of award buzz, and after watching it, I can only real assume that’s because of its face rather than its contents. A musical about a Mexican cartel kingpin finding a new life as a trans woman? It’s certainly an attention grabber, but once it reeled me in, it did little to keep me there. For a musical, I didn’t find nearly any of the numbers to be entertaining or all that memorable, while smaller moments of brief singing felt as though they were thrown in because on the day they remembered they were making a musical. With a narrative focusing around a trans woman, I thought it did very little to explore the actual trans experience at a time where it’s potentiall never been more important. Zoe Saldana, Karla Sofia Gascon and Selena Gomez all do admirable jobs with what they’re given, but I thought some of the characterizations fell a little flat. Saldana‘s character hardly has any kind of arc, yet she’s more or less treated as the main character (not the title character). Her inclusion could have been removed or lessened to put the real focus on Emilia, giving more room for exploration into its out-there premise. That being said, it does look pretty great visually and performances are all solid across the board, so I can’t say I hated this, but the critical response to this has really made me question a base I usually find myself agreeing with.

RATING: 2.5/5

#75. Badland Hunters

A fairly servicable post-apocolyptic film that has some interesting ideas under its belt, though the exectution is more or less par for the course. I thought the world building was pretty interesting and I appreciated the spin it put on tried elements like zombies. And of course, Ma Dong-seok. Do you really need more than that? Well, I would have liked it to be a bit more refined and consistent, but this is still a decent watch regardless.

RATING: 2.5/5

#74. Miller’s Girl

It constantly teeters between biting commentary and straight up fanfiction. The setup of a teenager trying to seduce her teenager is definitely a controversial one, but I wish it did something edgier yet insightful rather than a pretty surface level and hollow take on this familiar setup. Power dynamics weren’t as toyed with as I was hoping, but the lead performances and most of the script did make this fairly watchable.

RATING: 2.5/5

#73. Parallel

A pretty simple but interesting low-budget sci-fi premise, with pretty okay performances despite a fairly weak script that doesn’t take full advantage of the idea or really ties it into the themes it presents. This also leads to a pretty flat ending that kind of felt like a cop out. For what it’s worth, it’s shot shot pretty nicely, but overall, it doesn’t feel like it reaches its full potential.

RATING: 2.5/5

#72. Ricky Stanicky

Simple, juvenile, and incredibly predictable in both its narrative and comedy. But…why did I laugh so much? John Cena is the show stealer in his failing upward titular role, while everyone else around him is kind of just fine. The story can be pretty fun at times if not a bit repetitive. It’s certainly better than expected, but I doubt I’ll ever go out of my way to watch it again.

RATING: 2.5/5

#71. Mean Girls

A film that was so afraid to market itself as a musical, and I kinda see why. The jump from stage to screen was not incredibly seamless, with a lot of the songs falling flat. Also, these girls weren’t even all that mean? It really felt like the edge of the original was sanded off, but don’t they know that being a huge asshole is just as contemporary as ever? The film’s story and songs do pick up more in the latter half of the movie, with Renee Rapp and Avantika being the standouts for me. Nothing beats the original though, and unless you were a fan of the stage musical, I don’t see a ton of reasons to check this out.

RATING: 2.5/5

#70. Joker: Folie a Deux

It was a pretty ballsy move to follow up you Rated-R, Oscar winning smash hit with a film that pretty much shatters what a ton of people liked about it in the first place. Honestly, I respect the film for it, but my respect only goes so far. While Phoenix and Gaga are great together, the drab, shackled musical that surrounds them does not contain the same kinetic energy of the first. There are bold decisions here I do appreciate, but rarely did it ever compell me in a way that even its simplistic predecessor managed to do at times.

RATING: 2.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#69. Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire

I feel like a broken record, but this is yet another film that allows it’s boring, uninteresting human characters way down the narrative. There was potential here to allow the monsters to tell the story through purely physical performances, but they were unable to follow through. Still, when ‘Zilla and Kong are in action, it still remains quite fun, even introducing some unique dynamics involving new characters and new weapons. It’s a formula that kind of works, but probably not for much longer, as I don’t think a film like this can be regurgitated again going forward.

RATING: 2.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#68. Land of Bad

More like “Land of Not Bad!” This very generic military flick does have some bright spots, with its action being fairly brutal and the performances being pretty alright. I do think its tone can be all over the place, paticularly in a later scene where Russel Crowe is shopping for artisinal cheeses while his soldiers are about to be killed. It does its job well, and not much more beyond that, which is fine for an easy afternoon watch.

RATING: 2.5/5

#67. Maxxxine

Despite their acknowledgable flaws, I did enjoy X and Pearl, the first two films in Ti West’s decades spanning horror trilogy. But man, this third and final installment really felt like a step down. Other than its admirable neon glow and sparse but effective gore, the film feels cobbled together while failing to build upon the character of Maxxxine in a satisfying way, despite a haphazard climax that messily wraps everything up.

RATING: 2.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#66. Self Reliance

As an avid New Girl enjoyer, I’ll watch pretty much anything with Jake Johnson. The man has been dipping his toes in the realm of acting and directing, and while he hasn’t really knocked it out of the park as of late, he is starting to find his footing. This was fun and goofy, despite not really capturing a truly engaging style of comedy and visual style. This felt very reminiscent of Johnson’s prior film, Ride the Eagle, to a point where it felt like retread ground. A habitual fumbler is thrown into an abnormal circumstance in order to achieve some type of “prize” while, in reality, he’s meant to come to terms with his life decisions in the process. While the idea this time is a bit more outlandish, it doesn’t really tie into the film’s deeper intentions the way Ride the Eagle did. Here, the “romance” if you can call it that feels pretty forced, while the lead character himself has a lot of baggage yet still feels underdeveloped; never really making it clear what he wants on a deeper level. Still, the performances at least keep this watchable (love ya Biff), and some of the bits like the ninja PAs and the Ellen assassin are pretty hilarious. It’s clear there are certain themes of self-realization and regret that Johnson feels strongly drawn to, I just hope he can find ways to utilize those ideas towards something more worthwhile in the future. The director/star direction may be a bit too daunting for him at the moment. 

RATING: 2.5/5

#65. Smile 2

Despite feeling very similar to its predecessor, I enjoyed this lot more than the former. The struggles of the tortured pop star are far more engaging, due in part to an all-in performance from Scott. The scares aren’t always the most well structured, but the bulk of the film still maintains tight editing and admirable pacing, even if I think it goes on a bit long. At the end of the day I think it’s a super simple but effective melding of different horror tastes that I think will be genuine crowd pleaser for most. If this franchise is to keep going forward though, it needs a complete makeover of its premise and structure, because I really don’t see how this exact story can work a third time without me getting bored.

RATING: 2.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#64. Arthur the King

Exactly what you think it’s going to be, and sometimes that’s not the worst thing. Sure, it’s a bit emotionally manipulative, but I can look the other way for a good dog performance. It plays out very predictively and it doesn’t exactly get deeper into the subject’s character, but there is a few moments of genuine heart and jungle filmmaking. What can I say? Wahlberg made a decent dog movie.

RATING: 2.5/5

#63. Smile 2

Though very familiar to the first, the new focal point of a tragic popstar in the middle of a psychotic break is much more engaging and leads to some much more interesting scenarios. Naomi Scott kills it as both a horror girl and musical sensation, while the film continues its trend of sparse but welcome practical effects. The scares are pretty cheap and not very imaginative most of the time, but it’s sure to startle regardless.

RATING: 2.5

FULL REVIEW

#62. Kung Fu Panda 4

I wish there was more to say about this film. While it has the same energy and fluidity of the past three films, there’s a significant lack of heart when it comes to the characters we know and love as well as the newer additions. It’s not outright terrible, but certainly feels like the weakest in the series so far. Kids are probably going to love it though thanks to its action and farts. And us adults? Well we get treated to something truly special by the end. A cover of Brittney Spears’ …Baby One More Time by Jack Black’s band, Tenacious D. It’s one of those things you didn’t realize you wanted until you have it, and once you have it you wonder how you possibly could have ever lived without it.

RATING: 3/5

FULL REVIEW

#61. The Kitchen

Daniel Kaluuya comes in with a somewhat decent directorial debut, succeeding in capturing the smaller, grounded moments of community and culture in an almost slice of life story not often found in sci-fi. Yet this does leave the story and world feeling a bit undefined and aloof at times, where the stakes and rules of the world aren’t incredibly apparent. This restraint allows us to be on the same level as the characters, but occasionally it made the narrative feel a bit half baked. Killer soundtrack though.

RATING: 3/5

#60. Ezra

There’s certainly something to be said about how stories will see autistic child characters as tools for their parent’s character growth rather than actual individuals, but I think this film did okay. There is some genuine heart to it and it gets a little prickly in its politics, something that could have easily been a death knell for a film like this, though I do think the performances and authenticity do manage to rescue it.

RATING: 3/5

#59. The Primevals

So this is an interesting one. This was a passion project of David Allen, a pioneer in stop-motion animation in film and television that took over 50 years to complete. Allen unfortunately passed in 1999, so students and friends of the late director banned together to raise the money and manpower to finish this thing. It’s a super impressive and earnest callback to the pulpier days of large scale sets and stop motion creatures. Everything from the score to small nuances in the performances feel so era appropriate to what they were trying to make. While visually charming, the script and story definitely weighs the film down. A lot of dialogue is devoted to scientific babble and explaining things the film itself struggles to get across. There’s quite a lot of meandering in the middle and near the end, which is a shame because it keeps the film from being fully as entertaining as its visuals let on. Still, it’s a very cool execution that speaks to the endearing nature of creativity that left us decades ago.

RATING: 3/5

#58. Stopmotion

It seems unassuming at first, but Stopmotion really gets into some sicko shit as the film goes on. Following a woman trying to finish the stop motion film her strict and oppressive mother was working on before she died, the film goes down a fairly predictive route but one that’s laced with ample amounts of dread and disgust. With a name like that, you gotta deliver on some solid stop motion effects, and luckily the film does. There’s one character that progressively gets grosser and grosser as the film goes on, being made out of things like ash, raw meat, and eventually, human flesh. And there’s really no release, it is a bleak and depressing crawl through themes of artistic expression and even the lack thereof. It starts out pretty tame, but trust me, it gets aptly gross as pieces of the body get peeled and dismembered. It’s a bit more on the artsy side and can be a bit slow, but its unique implementation of two different artistic mediums is certainly admirable. 

RATING: 3/5

#57. Gladiator II

A decent follow-up to the original classic that doesn’t exactly come as close to matching it in both scope and innovation. It manages to be somewhat enjoyable as blades and blood fly, and the attention to detail, though noticeably more computer generated, is still admirable to see. The narrative is unfortunately not very strong, while a side-story playing out alongside it manages to be far more interesting and should have been the central plot. It’s a bit of fun, but execution is sorely missing the touch Ridley Scott could once administer.

RATING: 3/5

FULL REVIEW

#56. Megalopolis

You may be surprised to see this film so high on the list. Believe me, I kind of am too. This thing is a tonal and visual mess with goofy performances and a nonsense plot. Yet, there’s something quite admirable about the whole thing. Much like The Primevals, this is a passion project decades in the making that took Coppola’s own money to finance it. At the heart of this story is the dream of a better world where the artists are free to create and share their talents with the world. It casts aside the status quo as the inhibitor of progress and embraces unconventionalism as the gateway to the new society we desperately need…I think? It’s one of those films I’ll probably never watch again, yet I’m glad I saw it. There’s a ton of decade spanning ideas here that just don’t work in the modern day, yet the heart of what was trying to be accomplished certainly burned bright enough for me to see it.

RATING: 3/5

FULL REVIEW

#55. Wicked

A proven crowd pleaser that has more or less transferred the charm of the stage play to the screen, at least when it comes to the performances and characterizations. The two leads have incredible chemistry and nail everything from their dialogue to their songs, but my biggest detractor here comes from the film’s visual style. Flatly lit scenes, overblown backlight and occasionally uninteresting sequence structuring did dampen the magic for me a bit, but I will say I left this having enjoyed it more than I was anticipating.

RATING: 3/5

FULL REVIEW

#54. Immaculate

One of two pregnant nun horror movies to come out in 2024, with this one being led by the on-the-rise Sydney Sweeney. She continues to expand her range of what she’s capable of tackling, and I think she manages to sell the horror and dread of her situation fairly well. That being said, the plot is still very generic despite a clever little spin on it. The presentation is nothing too special, while many of its scares lean far too heavily on loud noises rather than consistent dread. While Sweeney excels in the loud, pained moments, her quieter, more reserved scenes didn’t exactly come together for me. She’s good, but I couldn’t always see past Euphoria or Madame Web in the role unfortunately. It’s pretty by the books, but has an air to it that makes it much more of a crowd pleaser than its competition.

RATING: 3/5

#53. Alien: Romulus

This worked better as an homage to the series rather than a complete, original identity. While most of its callbacks aren’t too terrible, there is a significant amount of weight put on the past that works to hold this thing up at times. The main cast is definitely the saving grace, with Cailee Spaeny and David Jonsson being remarkable together. When it does finally get to its horror elements, Alvarez certainly impresses with the practicality behind the setting and creature work (particularly with that end monstrosity). There is a character in this “played” by a dead actor that felt wholly unneeded, with his existence only really serving as a callback for the sake of a callback. Overall, it’s a fun time, though not one of the more unique outings in the franchise.

RATING: 3/5

#52. Infested

A tight French horror film that’s bound to make your skin crawl. A small apartment becomes the home of an ever-growing horde of spiders, which continue to grow and devour those that get caught in their webs. While the horror is pretty decent, the real pull for me was the comradery between the main characters. The actually feel like real people, and their chemistry with one another helps sell the horror of the situation. I think it takes a bit to really get going and doesn’t completely go crazy with its setup, but this is still a very solid creature flick.

RATING: 3/5

#51. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

Now this was a welcome and pleasant return to form for Tim Burton, managing to capture just enough of the charm of the original to make this quite a good time. Most of the returning cast does a very solid job, though many of the new characters don’t exactly manage to leave much of a mark. There is a tinge of overstuffed narrative here, as many of the film’s moving parts don’t exactly converge in a super successful way. Nevertheless, this felt the closest to classic Burton we’ve gotten in what feels like a decade, and I was happy to see this was as good as it is.

RATING: 3/5

FULL REVIEW

#50. Deadpool & Wolverine

While its reliance on references and self-referential humor doesn’t generate the most interesting direction this film could go, as a comic book movie fan of 20+ years, this still managed to be a lot of fun. The Reynolds and Jackman dynamic is just as fun onscreen as it had been offscreen, as the two prove to be perfect foils of one another. This stroll down memory lane is filled with plenty of charming returns and shocking appearances no one could have guessed, but it also seemed like these inclusions were given top priority over other things like telling a compelling story or being visually interesting. It’s certainly a bit of fun especially if you’re in the know, aka your mother’s basement, but I do have to wonder about the precedent this sets for the future of Marvel’s films. Nostalgia is a hell of a drug, and Marvel may just become the biggest peddler of it on the street for years to come.

RATING: 3/5

FULL REVIEW

#49. Trap

It has been a hot minute since I could say I actually enjoyed a M. Night Shyamalan film, but there’s just something about Trap, man. Whether he’s in on the joke or not, M. Night managed to find the right tonal strike to match his particular form of writing (purposefully alien or just plain bad depending on who you ask). The silliness and seriousness work so well alongside one another, with their even being a little something to say about the parental drive to make our kids happy. It’s fairly surface level, but I enjoyed the framework it’s built around. Hartnett is also doing some all time faces here. He’s at his best when his back is against the wall rather than trying to play the murder genius trope. Unfortunately, the film remembers it’s technically a crime thriller by the third act and the seriousness ramps up to a point where the comedy comes more from the melodrama rather than the bizarre scenarios of the first two acts. That, coupled with some very generous leaps in logic, make the ending a bit all over the place. I really wish it found a way to stay in its one location for the whole film, but this is easily one of my favorite new releases from the director since Split.

RATING: 3/5

#48. My Old Ass

This was a pretty sweet comedy about regretting the past before you’ve even left it. The smalltown setting is so expertly portrayed from both sides of the coin; an outdated prison meant to be escaped, and a memory of the past that manages to be just as fleeting. It kind of goes exactly where you expect it to, but that’s not always a bad thing when you have a superb pairing of leads to guide you through this coming-of-age tale of falling for a guy literally named Chad. Good use of a Justin Bieber song at least.

RATING: 3/5

#47. Bad Boys: Ride of Die

Though I’m not a huge fan of the franchise, I’m always into new directors with the sauce coming in and whooping ass. That’s essentially what we get from Adil and Bilall, who manage to go balls to the wall with frenetic energy and innovative camera work that manages to elevate and otherwise basic story. Smith and Laurence still deliver prime comedy together, as age and mortality slowly begin to catch up with them. This was definitely a pleasant surprise from the world of action films this year, and I gotta be honest, I didn’t even think about the slap once.

RATING: 3/5

FULL REVIEW

#46. Road House

This film really became an unexpected guilty pleasure of mine. It’s goofy and dumb as hell, but actually manages to be a bit of fun despite being fairly underbaked. There’s hints of Gyllenhaal’s character having a bit more depth to him that never really gets explored, but he’s charming enough to make a particularly one note character work. Can’t say the same for McGregor though. I don’t know what he was told to do on set, but if he was trying to be either funny or intimidating, it just doesn’t work. Some of the fights are okay, with fluid camerawork and interesting setups, but others don’t really have the same juice. I do think the camerawork and editing can sometimes be the villain of these scenes, as the quick cuts and hectic camerawork occasionally lessens the impact of certain hits. Yet it makes up for it by going over the top in a few places. The story probably could have been given another rewrite to trim the fat and be a bit more tight, but this is actually one of the more enjoyable dad-core films to come out in a while.

RATING: 3/5

#45. Am I Okay?

What a year for self-realization in your adult years on film. Your enjoyment may really hinge on whether or not you’re down with Dakota Johnson’s slightly off putting quirkiness (I am), but even still, I found this to be a super sweet approach to self discovery later in your life in a way that doesn’t diminish its message through stereotypical narrative beats and cliches. It’s not earth shattering, but it’s the right amount of emotional and charming to make this a pretty easy watch.

RATING: 3/5

#44. Suncoast

While it doesn’t get nearly as deep into the ramifications of life, death and burdens as much as I hoped, it’s still easy to be moved by this film. A lot of this comes down to the mother/daughter relationship of Linney and Parker; it’s prickly and selfish yet there’s an understanding in grief that’s begging to be tackled by both. Harrelson is just kinda there and doesn’t add much unfortunately, but the leading ladies are the heart and soul of it all. It does get a bit cliche at times, but the emotional moments are the right amount of heavy to not completely crush your soul, but at least give you a tear or two.

RATING: 3/5

#43. Marmalade

A bit torn on this because I really liked where the film ended up going. It’s a bit of Bonnie and Clyde and a bit The Usual Suspects, but the way it makes its way through the narrative isn’t always the smoothest. The performances are great and the writing is consistently witty, but it doesn’t all feels pretty predictable and straightforward. That is until the film gets flipped on its head and makes it all worthwhile. It’s just that the majority of the film plays it straight and narrow, and while it does lead to a worthwhile payoff, you’re still stuck with a good chunk of the film that doesn’t manage to be as exciting. Regardless, it’s still a fun watch, with potentially Joe Keery’s best performance.

RATING: 3/5

#42. Civil War

This is a bit of a weird one, because on the surface, this looks a like political thriller meant to take the heightened emotions of today’s climate and put them head to head in an explosive, self-destructive epic. And if you go into it look at it like that, you may find the film void of any real commentary on the state of the world (which is kind of the truth). Maybe you can chock that expectation up to the marketing, but you won’t find that kind of idealogical warfare here despite it being littered with bloodshed and carnage. It’s more about the apathy of war. The how and the why isn’t important, but the way it’s being treated is. We follow photojournalists with no explicit allegiance to either side, simply there to capture the brutal candidness of war. Their cold, often uncarring demeanor echoes the consumption of tragedy we experience every day; often it’s used to push our own messages and desires. An empire is falling right before tbeir eyes, and all people want to do is either blissfully distance themselves from it or find what they can gain for it. That being said, the objectivety of the film did make me walk away without a truly poignant message to mull over because the film doesn’t really attempt to give any answers or even nudges in the right direction. It’s still a solid film, but one that is perhaps the most misinterpretted of the year.

RATING: 3/5

#41. Lisa Frankenstein

A fun and campy throwback to 80s horror, anchored by goofy and endearing performances and a razor wit script. It’s an aesthetic joy to see, with the neons and the pastels of the 80s properly replicated, with a little spinkling of classic gothic and Tim Burton thrown in there for good measure. For how morbid and dark it can be for a PG-13 film, I wish it did get a little grittier, a little meaner, or at least had a bit more to say like Diablo Cody’s previous film, Jennifer’s Body. Still, a silly and spooky time to be had.

RATING: 3/5

FULL REVIEW

#40. Abigail

Despite initially appearing to be a low-budget, straightforward piece of digestible commercial horror, this ain’t no Blumhouse picture. Honestly, I had a lot of fun with this film’s heavy violence and dark humor. The ensemble is a great collection neredowells and low-lives that can actually make you give a damn about them. Of course, Alisha Wier as the titular vampire girl is terrific, easily earning herself a spot as one of the most standout child actors in a horror film. Thank God for the R rating, because it allows this film to get exactly as bloody as it needs to be. While it’s nothing groundbreaking or new to see, it definitely packs a lot of fun into a small, fanged package.

RATING: 3/5

#39. The First Omen

The second of the pregnant nun horror films of 2024, and the one I happened to like the most. I was shocked too, as I don’t exactly expect much from prequels to famous horror movies made decades later, but I was pleasantly surprised by how well made this was. It has way more of an indie arthouse feel to it, with a tad slower pace that’s lined with the kind of impending doom that comes from religious institutions being not what they seem. The imagery at work here is quite frightening and disturbing, really amplifying the helplessness our main character feels. This paranoia culminates into a terrifying unraveling of religious intent that’s highlighted by a standout scene many have rightfully compared to the subway scene in Possession. I won’t say this is more challenging than Immaculate, as truthfully they’re both on similar levels, but I just happened to like the presentation of this one a bit more.

RATING: 3/5

#38. Twisters

Though it doesn’t reach the same heights of dad-movie legacy sequel that Top Gun: Maverick achieved, I still thought Twisters was a pretty good time, and maybe even a slight improvement on the original. Of course, there’s only so many places you can take a disaster movie, and luckily the film only tows the line of being completely ridiculous instead of going in head first. The presentation of the landscapes and the moments of cataclysm are presented in such a big, effective way that actually manages to get the sweat going. The characters aren’t exactly the most memorable, and I at times hated the on-the-nose nature of some of the film’s soundtrack, but disaster films can easily be a lot worse, yet this one pulls itself ahead ever so slightly.

RATING: 3/5

#37. Orion and the Dark

Charlie Kauffman isn’t exactly the most approachable writer when it comes to films for grown-ups, so I had some concerns about how effective he could in a children’s film. But he does succeed in crafting a fun fairytale that could easily appeal to children while not talking down to them. The idea isn’t the most structurally sound, as the personification of the different elements of the night can feel a bit half-baked at times. But, as an adult, I welcomed the humor and wit of the film’s writing, getting just exstastential enough to not be a complete turnoff for younger audiences.

RATING: 3/5

#36. The Instigators

A pretty servicable, middle of the road crime comedy made more memorable thanks to the lead performances and humor. It’s Boston as all hell, which works great for Damon and Affleck. Love a good, heavy New England accent. There really isn’t a ton to talk about, as the plot and narrative flow is pretty genaric, but a stacked cast keeps this thing from ever really being that dull.

RATING: 3.5/5

#35. Woman of the Hour

A pretty solid directorial debut for Anna Kendrick! It manages to be pretty unnerving through sheer implication, though it isn’t afraid to delve into the horrors of psychopathy whithout crossing a gratuitous or exploitative line. While it doesn’t exactly get much deeper than that, it’s good for a decent thrill where the “based on a true story” tagline actually feels somewhat genuine (you can actually find the episode of The Dating Game this guy was on on YouTube).

RATING: 3.5/5

#34. La Chimera

Hot damn, what a year for Josh O’Connor. His range and talents are truly unique, and I can’t wait to see where he goes from here. From what I can gather, this is a capitalism commentary that shows the vicious nature of both buyer and seller; in this case, focusing on the world of artifacts. O’Conner’s Arthur is in search for what happens after life, finding intrigue in the remains of past identities as he himself exits a “life”, so to speak. Might be completely missing the mark here, as for how laid back and genuine the film is, I didn’t find it the easiet to read. Maybe that can be chocked up to being on a multi-hour flight when I watched this, but it remains solid nonetheless.

RATING: 3.5/5

#33. Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

Even without Matt Reeves at the helm, the series about apes on the rise still manages to chug along strongly. It houses some of the best special effects in Hollywood, bringing its fun primate cast to life with hardly any threads to be seen. Its questions of coexistance feel poignant and leaves the series in an exciting spot to go further with its world and story. It does lack some of the grit and meditations the other films possess, yet it still continues their trends of being one of the most impressive feats of motion capture animation.

REVIEW: 3.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#32. The Book of Clarence

I really dug everything about this from the performances, set design, cinematography, soundtrack and its satirization on faith, knowledge and belief. And then the last 20 minutes happen. I think the point either got away from the story or the story never truly knew what the point was. It didn’t exactly leave on a very complete notion that either re-affirms or disputes the themes in a compelling way. Either way, this was still a lot of fun for the most part, reminding me of a cross between The Life of Brian and Dogma. I also just enjoys films where Benedict Cumberbatch comes out of nowhere.

RATING: 3.5/5

#31. The Fall Guy

Hot off the heels of playing one of the funniest comedic roles of the decade so far, Ryan Gosling finds himself as a stuntman trying to solve a crime and win over the heart of a director in The Fall Guy. This is one of the better cheesy action comedies that actually manage to deliver on both action and comedy fairly well. Gosling is of course stellar, with his chemistry with Emily Blunt feeling both charming and believable. Not only is the film a love letter to the kind of silly action films we don’t seem to get much anymore, it’s also a loving tribute to the underappreciated roles on film sets that make the magic happen, particularly stunt performers. It almost made me miss my days on set, until I remembered the 16 hour shifts, the shady payment processes, and nearly getting hit by cars while putting those stupid yellow signs up. My biggest fear was that this film would lack many practical stunts and just completely undermine the profession, but no, there’s actually quite a few legit set pieces that helped ground the film with its intentions. Sure, their intensity is a tad dampened by all the special effects surrounding them, but they’re still impressive. The comedy is fairly solid, not being overtly obvious or lame while still being kind of corny in an endearing way. I think this was the definition of a crowd pleaser that did not get enough love while in theaters.

RATING: 3.5/5

#30. Heretic

Aka: Athiest DESTROYS Mormon Girls With Facts and Logic! A film this involved in religious discussion runs the risk of being either preachy or overbearing, but this film seems to nail a solid middle ground that makes good points yet manages to push back against them as well. Possessing one of the most fun scripts of the year, Heretic allows Hugh Grant to play the charming, know-it-all dickhead he’s born to play, and you can tell he’s having a blast in the role. While not containing a ton of horrific imagery, the film does manage to keep you on edge with very intentful cinematography and sound design, often forcing you to spend an uncomfortable amount of time locked in to a scenario. I think as it goes on it gets less interesting, but the surprises do hit for the most part and constantly left me guessing where the film would go, even if the destination wasn’t as wild as maybe it could have been.

RATING: 3.5/5

#29. Drive-Away Dolls

A brisk and naughty roadtrip adventure, feeling reminscent of Coen Brothers past (though on one brother is in the driver seat this go around). Margaret Qualley and Geraldine Viswanathan have tremendous chemistry as two sides of a competing sexual spectrum. The story is fast paced and presented in a goofy but enjoyable way, with creative transitions and leanings on 90s nostalgia and Clinton-era sensibilities, with the film poking fun at the latter with its crude and rude comedy. Though fairly simplistic in its narrative, it has a lot of fun with itself and manages to be one of the most humerous films of the year. This is a standout year for Qualley, who we’ll be talking about more later down the list (sorry I never got around to Kinds of Kindness).

RATING: 3.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#28. A Quiet Place: Day One

You would think a plot as straight forward as A Quiet Place would have little room for expansion, but this film proves otherwise. The human element to the film is quite strong, taking a much different approach to survival than the previous films. Lupita N’yongo and Joseph Quinn make an unlikely but endearing pairing, each with their own motivations for navigating the apocalypse. While it may not feel as inventive as the first, it still brings new ideas and imagery to the table that felt very welcome. Seeing a city like New York slowly fade away amidst an alien invasion is quite haunting at times, yet the struggles of its citizens feel realized and personal, particularly Nyong’o’s nihilistic but heartfelt mission. It does feel like retreading ground at times, but this film definitely succeeded where it needed to with its characters.

RATING: 3.5/5

#27. MadS

A shame I caught this right after Halloween ended, as it easily would have gotten a shout-out in my Best Horror Films of 2024 video. It’s a super invigorating and unique take on the zombie genre, all done in (allegedly?) five takes to simulate one long, continuous shot. The amount of locations and traveling done in the film is genuinely insanse and I have no clue how you can even pull off something this large in scale without shutting down an entire town. This is far more of a paranoid, bad trip of a film than a straightforward zombie story, which I enjoyed because you get to actively experience the degradation of an infected individual in such a haunting and sad way. Love the station scene from Possession? There’s like three of them here, and you know what? They’re all pretty great.

RATING: 3.5/5

#26. Wicked Little Letters

The internet didn’t create hostile, anonymous posting. It’s always been in our blood. Olivia Coleman and Jessie Buckley make for quite the rivals, with neither really approving of one another’s views and ways of life, but their approaches to dealing with them differ drastically. It’s a hysterical romp containing some of the most colorful string of swears and insults you’ll hear all year. Sometimes you just need to call people c*nts, and we should really be embracing that more.

RATING: 3.5/5

#25. Sometimes I Think About Dying

One of those films where you know not much will happen, yet it still finds a way to cut deep. It captures social isolation and depression fairly well, while sharing the different spectrums of monotony; the trivial as well as the little moments of warmth. Daisy Ridley barely says a word and it’s easily the best performance I’ve seen from her. The dreary backdrop of Oregon has that aura where you know nothing monumental will happen here, which manages to be both comforting and sad. It’s so genuine and earnest, so funny and off-putting, with a quiet but ringing ending. We just want to know we’re being seen, whether we think we want to be or not.

RATING: 3.5/5

#24. I Used to be Funny

Two Phoebe Bridgers songs in one movie? Are you trying to kill everyone??? Honestly, the comedy was probably the weakest part of the film, but the dramatic and very depressing narrative actually felt very mature and respectful. Rachel Sennot continues to impress with her authenticity, proving she is far more than a one-note comic. I was expecting a similar vibe to Shiva Baby and got bitch slapped for that assumption. Don’t make the same mistake I did, but do check this out for a sad but hopeful story of living through trauma and fighting your way to yourself again.

RATING: 3.5/5

#23. We Live in Time

Better than living in a society. It’s pretty straightforward, but the Pugh/Garfield chemistry is undeniable. Shown through a non-linear timeline that plays with expectations and foreshadows the inevitable, I think this did a terrific job with portraying tragedy and the raging against the helplessness and the redefinement of your life it causes. Super sweet, authentic and home to genuinely one of the best birth scene I’ve ever witness, this ticked almost all the boxes for me.

RATING: 3.5/5

#22. Problemista

Such a creative and dream-like take on scratching your way through the nonsense rules that make up our society. Director and star Julio Torres is certainly one to watch, possessing such a great comedic eye for the absurd that’s both out there and close to home. Tilda Swinton is, and I mean this as a compliment, playing one of the hardest to watch characters I’ve ever seen. She’s so cartoonishly up her own ass and unaware of herself, and yet I know people who are just like this. For how out there and nutty it gets, it never forgets the human heart that grounds all of it and makes this film truly something special.

RATING: 3.5/5

#21. The Bikeriders

A surgical dive into the hierarchies and operations of an ever-growing club whose foundation continues to weaken despite their growth in power. It hopes to shed light on the enigmatic pull these groups have and what draws people to join them, all while finding vulnerability beneath the leather clad, machismo front. Plus, it’s just a smorgasbord of the most aggressive midwestern accents, connected to some truly stellar performances that move you, entertain you and perfectly represent the time period. It doesn’t really get too introspective nor does it really present any new takes on the aesthetic, but sometimes just a solid film with some great stars is all you need.

RATING: 3.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#20. Strange Darling

This is easily one of the best looking and well constructed thriller films of 2024. This nonlinear game of cat and mouse between a man and a woman is more than meets the eye, though what you see on the surface is still pretty great. Shot on film and utilizing a smart and striking color scheme, Strange Darling is putting maximum effort into its aesthetic, something I wish more films, especially horror, would commit to. The film’s fractured narrative generates an engaging mystery, playing on tropes and boundaries in a way that just might spin you for a loop. The two leads are incredible, the directing is smart and intentional, and it even has a little layer of dark comedy underneath it all. All the while, it gives some potentially prickly commentary on consent, power dynamics and manipulation. It’s not always what it appears to be, and I love it for it.

RATING: 3.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#19. Monkey Man

I don’t care if this was just an excuse for Dev Patel to show off his abs and fighting moves; he’s more than earned it. The director and star weaves a story of revenge that is elevated by the injection of poignant Indian culture, a tantalizing soundtrack, and some highly entertaining fight scenes. Patel shows true competence and talent as a director here, rarely ever settling for mediocre shot compositions or transitions. These action sequences are gritty, bareknuckle and highly stylish, really scratching the itch John Wick left us with. But don’t think of this as a John Wick clone, as there is so much unique identity to the film. The film touches upon the political climate in India while also taking time to showcase marginalized communities like the hijra, transgender warriors devoted to the belief in the third gender. The story can be a bit messy at times, but I think that also fits well with the rough and tumble aesthetic. In short; it goes ape shit.

RATING: 3.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#18. Stress Positions

Films centering around life during the pandemic often felt very gimmicky and cheap to me. However, Stress Positions manages to take the setting and use it to form a film that captures the fatigue and restlessness that came with lockdown in a fairly funny and kind of depressing way. It’s quite a claustrophobic film that manages to utilize its uncomfortable nature to pretty solid comedic effect. None of the characters are exactly likable, but there’s something about them that keeps you watching. They are honest representations of the frustrations that came from being cooped up inside for a year, covering the spectrums of seriousness we all saw during that time. The characters do bad things, but you can understand where they’re coming from; that desperation to live the life they want while forces beyond their control hinder them. What makes the film so smart is how this is tied to concerns beyond the pandemic; religion, gender, identity and responsibility for others all share common experiences of repression. The script elaborates on these ideas through biting, witty dialogue courtesy of first time director Theda Hammel, who also edited the film and composed its magnetic soundtrack. I know we all want to forget those few years, but I think they’re worth revisiting in this weird, chaotic, aggressively horny film.

RATING: 4/5

#17. How to Have Sex

An honest portrayal of girlhood; both the good and the bad. It portrays its characters with frustrating authenticity, but also makes room for genuine sympathy. It’s a summer break filled with bad decisions that aren’t just rooted in desires to be young and dumb, but to avoid the unfortunate reality that awaits you once you leave your fever dream. Those wants of being seen, desired and understood lead to traumatic circumstances that feel easy to brush off as simple irresponsibility, but the film knows there’s much, much more to it than that. This manages to be quite the rollercoaster; starting off fun and relatable before taking a dive into the realms of depressing and relatable (the bad kind this time). I think we tend to forget the pressures teenagers face amidst their carefree lives, and how a lot of those pressures are often self-inflicted by sociatal norms that can haunt you into adulthood. Yet there’s so much grace and understanding on display of this here, and while I am not represented in the central focal point of the film, it managed to resonate with me regardless.

RATING: 4/5

#16. The Wild Robot

Just when you think Dreamworks has hit its stylistic peak with the most recent Puss in Boots film, they come right back with another stellar, gorgeous film. It’s incredibly touching and cutesy, but holds a respectable amount of maturity in how it handles death and living up to the impossible standards placed on us by societal structures, specifically with motherhood. Yet I don’t think it ever drifts too far off course of being a kid’s film, containing enough silly talking critters that deliver halfway decent comedy and morals.

RATING: 4/5

#15. Rebel Ridge

At the risk of sounding too hyperbolic, I would reckon this is one of the most important action films of the last few years. Sure, the setup of lone man versus crooked cops isn’t exactly original, but how it goes about the narrative framework is truly remarkable. This is an action film that manages to deliver on thrilling, well constructed fight sequences without taking a single life. This more than just a gimmick, however, as it digs to the root of the antagonists’ identity, which isn’t exactly foreign to the current state of affairs the world is in today. A station of high and mighty, trigger-happy cops is built upon a foundation of “by any means necessary”, evident by how they decide to get our main character’s attention in the opening scene by hitting him with their car. Yet our ex-Marine protagonist, played intelligently by Aaron Pierre, illustrates the non-lethal alternatives to getting things done, as he goes through every violent encounter with the intention to subdue in the most non-aggressive way he possibly can. It’s such a smart way to build a film as a parallel to real life, and it never stops being entertaining, frustrating and eye-opening.

RATING: 4/5

#14. Oddity

It feels like it’s been forever since horror movies have floored me enough to have them in my top 10, and Oddity is the first of a few. This is a bit of a supernatural mystery that takes its time to get going, yet never feels like it’s dragging its feet. Set in Ireland, the film follows a blind clairvoyant trying to get to the bottom of her sister’s murder through otherworldly means. The tension is palpable throughout, but the real star of the film is the tight script, which gradually lets information slip out little by little. It’s one of the smartest scripts I’ve seen from the genre in a while, with each development in the plot leaving me more and more enthralled. But this guessing game is also home to a slowly building uncertainty, one that keeps you guessing as to what kind of monster we’re dealing with here; man, or something else? Plus the sound design’s minimalistic approach is so, so effective, paired with some haunting imagery that really gives it a punch. It goes by quickly but still has latched itself onto me. It takes the familiar haunted house formula, condenses it, and does something wholly unique with it in a way I absolutely loved. While not the most visceral horror film out there, this is great if you enjoy a good mystery and drawn out dread.

RATING: 4/5

#13. The Last Stop in Yuma County

I’m a simple man. I see Jim Cummings in a movie, I watch it. And while he’s not in the director’s chair like I’m used to, this still has all the elements of his films that I love. This is a claustrophobic, hilarious crime film that may seem by the numbers at first, but the last half of the film spirals out of control into one bad decision after another. There’s so many moving pieces in the form of new characters that start to trickle into the narrative, but everything flows so well and remains tight throughout. And like I said, Jim Cummings is the star of the show, using his usual brand of pathetic and neurotic sensibilities to really take this thing off the rails into darkly funny territory. It’s a very quick watch that manages to fly by, remaining engaging and entertaining all the way up to its explosive end.

RATING: 4/5

#12. I Saw the TV Glow

Easily the most out-there film I saw this year, yet one that absolutely rattled me after sitting with it for a while. On the surface, this is a coming of age drama that can elicit several relatable memories of suburbia, hyperfixations, and the heavy expectations that come with conforming into societal norms. Yet there is so, so much more working underneath the surface, and that’s where the horror comes from. It’s obviously allegorical for the trans experience, but I don’t think that topic has ever been utilized to instill so much dread and nausea into a story before, at least from what I’ve seen. Amidst the gorgeous use of color and the unique soundtrack is a fear that you’ve suppressed the true you and will never come to terms with that as you continue to conform to the standards that surround you. There are moments in this film that twisted my stomach in a way I hadn’t felt all year, even though the central idea doesn’t directly apply to me. But through all the darkness and dread is a shining light of hope; a reminder that it’s never over and there is still time to find yourself, no matter how old you are. Some will be turned off by the abstract and ethereal way it presents these ideas, especially with how some of the characters act and speak like exposition devices rather than characters. Even still, this is one of the most bold films of the year that has kept me thinking about it a ton since I first saw it, and that certainly means something.

RATING: 4/5

FULL REVIEW

#11. Hundreds of Beavers

I love a good throwback, but rarely do those kind of films feel genuine in their inspirations. But if you’re a fan of Looney Tunes and Charlie Chaplin, then you’re sure to find the fun in this bonkers homage. Essentially a live action cartoon that’s shot in black and white and utilizes a mixture of digital backgrounds, practical sets and big headed animal costumes, this is sure to be one of the most unique looking films you’ll see all year. The purposefully cheaply made aesthetic is utilized in hilarious and ingenious ways, crafting a slapstick throwback that hits you with rapid fire sight gags and physical comedy at an impressive rate, meaning even if it serves you up the occasional dud, the film moves quickly forward onto the next joke. The upfront goofiness lets you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into from the beginning, yet the film still finds ways to surprise you by continuing to bounce off the wall with cartoonish, kinetic energy. This really feels like a film born to be a cult classic, perfect for late viewings in rowdy theaters, but don’t wait for a moment like that. See it as soon as you can if you’re looking for some of the most fun you’ll have all year.

RATING: 4/5

FULL REVIEW

#10. Snack Shack

A slice of 90s summer nostalgia from Adam Rehmeier, director of The Bunny Game (maybe don’t Google that one). This is such a fun, fast pace, nostalgic comedy anchored by the chemistry between lead stars Conor Sherry and and the ever-on-the-rise Gabriel LaBelle. Their volatile but heartfelt relationship reminded me a lot of Ed Edd n’ Eddy; a couple of go-getters constantly finding ways to maximize their profit through various schemes. From horse races to basement brewed beer, the duo share an ingenuity and determination that is a blast to see played out and challenged. Their dynamic is constructed by a tag team of both stellar performances and a great, whip-crack script that manages to balance both comedy and melodrama very well. On top of that, the film is a loving ode to the simpler days of childhood, filled with swimming, hot dogs and love triangles. It’s a cozy watch that still manages to pack an emotional punch, even if these swings can feel a bit over dramatic. Still, going from one of the most unpleasant watches of the 2010s to this wholesome slice of life certainly shows range as a director.

RATING: 4/5

#9. Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

This wins the award for the most mistreated film of the year, though I can understand why. Following up Mad Max: Fury Road is a near impossible task, and I think George Miller knew this. So the final product seems to have disappointed some expecting another Fury Road, which I am okay with not getting because…we already have Fury Road. The film’s focus on character over concept crafts a vastly different odyssey that still maintains the carnage and insanity that we loved about the prior film. Anya Taylor-Joy and Alyla Browne do a solid job at portraying the tragic Furiosa through multiple stages of her life, each bringing something unique to the role while building upon the character’s journey. Then there’s Chris Hemsworth, delivering a kooky, unhinged performance as Dementus that steals the show whenever he’s on screen; potentially my favorite performance of the year. While there’s a much more prevalent reliance on CGI effects this time around, I think this gives the visual style of the film a warped, punk vibe that accurately reflects the insanity of the wasteland.  The action is still gloriously over the top, with no shortage of impressive stunts and set pieces to gawk at, like the tanker ambush. It’s a tad messy, but I think it’s still one of the most fun and creative films of the year that absolutely deserves a second chance.

RATING: 4/5

FULL REVIEW

#8. Nosferatu

Finally, a modern vampire movie with some teeth on it. Yeah, I’m a big Eggers fan boy, but seriously, he absolutely nails the gothic aesthetic of the source material; from both a stylistic and narrative approach. While it does feel a tad derivative of its predecessors, Eggers still manages to instill his own signature brand of era accuracy and looming dread. Count Orlok, played by resident chameleon Bill Sarsgard, is a force of nature, representing the dark embodiment of lust, manipulation and desire. The psychosexual nature of vampire stories has never felt as haunting, as its utilization as a dark shroud that masks itself as love gives this things layers beyond a simple battle of good and evil. Perhaps Orlok is not the most horrifying thing here; rather, it’s Lily-Rose Depp’s Ellen’s desire for him that she cannot come to terms with herself. Star-studded across the board and home to some of the darkest meditations on evil since Eggers’ The Witch, this stands as a triumph for one of the director’s most sought after achievements; full frontal male nudity.

REVIEW: 4/5

#7. Memoir of a Snail

Damn dude, what a punch in the gut. Adam Elliot is known for his dark stop motion films about childhood and growing old, and his latest outing is no different, but no less effective. The unique, unconventional character and world designs are a joy to see, with so much humanity injected into them; warts and all. At times it’s comically bleak, drawing both uncomfortable laughs and tear buildups depending on the moment; maybe both at times too. There’s so much relatable sadness to unpack here, as I’m trying to remember the last time an animated film cut this deep on a personal level. Yet it still gives off an incredible sense of hope; a reassurance that we’re all on this dumb little rock together and our experiences aren’t as unique as we may think. Everything from the beautifully crafted animation to the gut wrenching vocal performances to the absurd but grounded comedy hit so successfully. This really is something special that you owe it to yourself to check out when you can. Maybe just bring some tissues and be open to the idea of seeing snail ejaculation on screen (yes, really).

RATING: 4/5

#6. Love Lies Bleeding

Something I meant to bring up earlier is that this has been a phenomenal year for female directors. Sure, there have been tons of terrific films of the past few years directed by women, but their work has really seemed to make their way to the forefront for a chance. Love Lies Bleeding is one of those successes. This is both a sexy and grimey crime noir that manages to capture the right amount of pulp to create a highly entertaining, aggressive good time.  Kristen Stewart and Katy O’Brien’s erotic but highly combustible relationship is full of lust, insecurities and deceit, which makes each progression in their companionship magnetic and stressful. Both are trapped in this wasteland of a town for one reason or another, and both open each other up to a possibility of hope and happiness they once thought was out of reach. The dusty, dirty aesthetic only adds to the stress, creating a rather isolated setting that tries to dash any sense of hope the moment it sparks. It definitely gets a little out there, taking some big swings by the end that may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but personally I loved it. It’s always great to see an unapologetic LGBTQ film that isn’t afraid to get dirty and gross in between the hot stuff.

#5. Longlegs

While I do think the masterful marketing behind this film created nearly impossible expectations to meet, I still really enjoyed this horror crime thriller, finding it to be one of the scariest films of the year. At times, it feels deeply insidious to watch, showcasing the horrors of real life in a way that leaves you incredibly uncomfortable. It excels at building tension and letting empty space create implications for your mind to stress over. Each scene cut feels like a threat where you don’t know what’s waiting for you around the corner, while the overblown sound design keeps you on edge even when nothing traditionally scary is happening. Maika Monroe is a solid conduit for us to experience this trauma with, while Nicolas Cage brings the satanic drag madness as the titular killer. There were so many moments where my breath just left me, as the film expertly allows your mind to do the heavy lifting of crafting what nightmares await you, all while never letting you grow comfortable in places where you think you’re safe. The story is fairly straightforward but leaves enough mystery to mull over until the 3rd act lays all the cards on the table, which may disappoint some hoping for a bit more vagueness. But despite that, this story of evil invading our present and past is remarkably effective, making for one of the best serial killer films of the past few years.

RATING: 4/5

FULL REVIEW

#4. The Substance

But my favorite horror film of the year has gotta be this batshit film all about living your best life. Gratuitous as all hell and as subtle as fireworks during a church service, the film wears its schlocky, B-movie heritage proudly on its beautiful, horrendous skin. It gets incredibly gross at times, as flesh gets pierced, stretched and malformed in truly sickening ways, heightened by grade A practical effects and revolting sound design. But what makes the film so compelling is the dynamic between stars Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley; two fame hungry starlets vying over the same consciousness, often forgetting they’re the different sides of the same coin. While it’s crude and juvenile at times, there’s still a solid underlying message about aging and self-hatred that really shines through the grotesque visuals. It’s incredibly goofy, yet some of its more serious scenes, like Elisabeth trying to get ready for her date, show the true horror of our own warped view of ourselves. The film’s presentation is also uniquely maximalist, going big and in-your-face in a way I don’t see a ton of horror films do anymore. With its intense closeups and its striking color palette, it feels so fresh and unique despite a relatively familiar premise. It’s definitely not for the weak stomached, but I suggest they watch anyway because that just sounds funny.

RATING: 4/5

FULL REVIEW

#3. Anora

Sean Baker’s ascent amongst the indie scene has finally paid off with his most recent, Palme D’or winning film. Anora feels remarkably more approachable than his past films, yet he never deters from the controversial subject matters and communities he has focused on over the past several years. That down to Earth, personable energy is still found here, as he dives into the life of exotic dancers and the mega-wealthy. This is a highly entertaining film that may just be the funniest film of the year, though you may not expect it at first. The first chunk of the film plays out like a scrappy, against-all-odds young romance that eventually spirals into a nutty, borderline slapstick comedy that boils with steaming frustrations courtesy of the film’s supporting cast. Mikey Madison is every bit of the heart of this film, however. She is someone who is looking for her way out of the seedy line of work she’s found herself in, but her motives and her willingness to go as far as she can are constantly called into question, even by herself. Her journey of trying to convince herself of the love she thinks she feels because it could be her proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is quite compelling, even when it’s posted up alongside the silliness the film eventually leans into. But everything comes to a head in a moving final scene that encapsulates all of her vices and struggles into one, retching outcry of emotion that absolutely floored me. It’s simply a great time that fires on all cylinders all the way through, and may have you tipping your strippers a little extra going forward.

RATING: 4/5

FULL REVIEW

#2. Dune: Part 2

Good God, I can’t remember the last time my expectations were subverted this heavily. I thought the first Dune was good, but nothing making me do backflips in the theater over. But this right here? This had me doing backflips, somersaults and 360 corkscrews when I got done with this. A genuine, unabashedly incredible achievement in sci-fi storytelling. Denis Villeneuve has somehow found a way to amplify every aspect of the previous film to craft a monumental epic that blows the first film out of the water and into another solar system. The ensemble is terrific, with Timothee Chalamet finally selling me on being not just a terrific actor, but a bonafide movie star. Worlds feel fully realized this time around, and the use of color is far more creative and striking, especially with scenes set on the Harkonen home world or even the very first action scene on Arakis. Which reminds me, the action sequences are staggering in how impressively constructed they are, succeeding at imposing the right amount of scale and grandeur into each. I usually hate “chosen one” narratives at this point, and yet the film finds a way to play against the expectations of such a trope, delving into the power and ego that comes with being proclaimed a messiah. Maybe I’m a bit head over heels because I saw it opening weekend in IMAX with a fantastic crowd, but let me tell you, I was leaning forward in my chair multiple times because I was just that locked in. Villeneuve absolutely deserves his flowers for this achievement; one that we all knew he was capable of for a very long time.

RATING: 4.5/5

FULL REVIEW

#1. Challengers

Usually this spot ends up getting taken up by the film that made me say “f*ck yeah, movies!” the most while watching it, and I can think of no better champion of that feeling that I’ve had this year than Luca Guadagnino’s latest masterpiece. My God, what an absolute thrill this film is on both a narrative and technical level. Somehow a love triangle movie with no sex scenes managed to be one of the steamiest, intoxicating films I’ve seen all year, and that really comes down to the performances and the craft behind it. The leading trio is phenomenal, with each possessing different desires and goals that occassionally overlap and often push them apart. The three of them are constantly in bed with one another while also holding knives to each others’ backs, yet none of their conflicts feel forced for the sake of the plot. Most of them are just huge POS’s, but their negatives all come from an understandable place. Their journeys together are told through a frenetic, constantly building visual style that takes sports cinematography to a whole new level, while never forgetting to remind us how erotic the sport of tennis can be. But it’s also a testament to how Guadagnino can elevate simple story beats into moments that feel like life or death. The match between Art and Patrick that we cut to and from throughout the film isn’t in itself a high stakes game, and yet it’s presented as the end of the world because of the emotional implications behind it. Truly some of the most fun and intentful camerawork I’ve seen all year. And the music? Goddamn you Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for creating this infectious score of electric club-type beats that shouldn’t work as well as they do, oh but they do. This ticks every box I’m looking for in what I consider a perfect movie; it’s enticing, frenetic, and genuinely made me say “oh shit” out loud at one point; not joking. While this was a year of bangers, this one bangs the hardest, and they didn’t even have to put in any banging. Masterful work.

RATING: 5/5

FULL REVIEW

Oh boy, it is now once again time for my favorite segment on this channel: Adult Man Overanalyzes a Kids Movie. I’ll admit, there are a lot of kids movies that are purposefully not marketed towards me, and so I feel as though those can be a bit hard to judge. However, I was a huge Sonic the Hedgehog fan growing up, so I feel like this is one of those instances where it makes sense for me. Especially considering I already reviewed the first and second Sonic films on this channel, but this is the one I was anticipating the most. My favorite Sonic game growing up was Sonic Adventure 2: Battle for the Gamecube, which introduced me to everyone’s favorite beacon of edge, Shadow the Hedgehog. The emo icon is finally making his big screen debut, which has only been overshadowed by the anticipation of seeing Maria bite the bullet onscreen as well.

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is perhaps the biggest piece of fanservice the trilogy has offered up, loosely adapting the story of Shadow’s debut game to create a story with some thrilling moments for fans and possibly even the uninitiated. From music pieces to little references, the games feel properly honored this go around, even if they’re still stuck in a by-the-numbers kids film. The writing is often grating at times and the plot sometimes slips out of focus, but I do feel as though this is the best outing in the trilogy, even if it’s only by a narrow margin.

So Sonic and his friends Tails and Knuckles must take on Shadow, an alien that has escaped containment with a vendetta against humanity for the tragedies of his past. The trio must also contend with their old nemesis Doctor Robotnik, along with the doctor’s long-lost grandfather Gerald Robotnik, who has a devious plan up his sleeve more evil than anything they’ve faced before. 

So this film is the first real proper take on Team Sonic, which has its successes as well as its fumbles. While I conceptually like their characterizations, Sonic the headstrong leader, Tails the genius, and Knuckles the honorable muscle, I do wish we would have gotten more character development out of them. The film tries to give them conflict in the form of Sonic being unable to work within a team, but that issue is hardly ever felt outside of like one scene where it’s absolutely needed. It’s a good scene for what it’s worth, I just wish it remained consistent throughout the story. Other than that, I still have my issues with some of the characters. Ben Schwartz’s Sonic remains particularly grating, not really as a fault to Ben, but more the writing around him. I get he’s young, hyperactive and annoying, but he’s supposed to annoy people in the movie, not the ones watching it. Tails, much like the prior film, is kind of just there and doesn’t really have much of a character to speak of. He’s supposedly Sonic’s best friend and the voice of reason, but I never really felt much of that at all. But Knuckles is consistently still the best of the three, so good on ya, Idris.

Jim “I Don’t Do Sequels” Carrey once again returns as the devious Doctor Robotnik, but this time he’s pulling double duty by also playing his deranged grandfather, Gerald. Like the past two films, Carrey is the absolute highlight here, and now we’ve got double the dosage. Both doctors are one-liner machines, but Carrey manages to make both feel different and distinct. Gerald has a bit more of an edge to him, but also plays into Robotnik’s goofy side as well. But what everyone was coming to see was Shadow, played by Keanu Reeves, who I have mixed feelings on actually. This is kind of how I feel for a lot of Reeves‘ roles: love the voice, not so much the delivery. Reeves does capture the angst of the character fairly well, though some lines are delivered so oddly that it kind of gave me whiplash. The film at least does a decent job at drawing parallels between him and Sonic, as both are examples of outsiders formed by their tragedies, though each has taken a different path because of it. Even though that’s great, Shadow still felt a tad underutilized here, sometimes getting lost in the shuffle with all the other characters and questionable moments. Somehow I don’t think the Robotnik dance number should have been that long.

It’s kind of wild, but this film has some of the best computer-generated action sequences out of the bulk of Hollywood movies today. From a chase through the city to a globetrotting fist fight, these scenes are always colorful, well structured, and a lot of fun. I do think the film does a bit of a better job with prioritizing these moments, though the film can still be rife with agonizing injections of comedy that either go on for too long or completely miss the mark. Sonic didn’t floss in this one, so I guess that’s something. That being said, this film is noticeably darker in tone compared to the other two, but not really in a goofy, undeserved kind of way. There’s some halfway decent emotional moments, like Shadow’s backstory with Maria, and then some unneeded ones like the film trying to convince you a main character just got killed. I won’t say the film is “mature”, but it does handle heavier tones decently well.

And look, I’m not really one for key jangling in films like these, but this film actually felt like it was paying tribute to its source, which I didn’t always feel in the previous films. Those films seemed so shy about including any music from the games or getting wilder with its world building, but that isn’t so much the case here. It’s a loose adaptation of Sonic Adventure 2, which helps to make it feel more like a tribute guided by the source material. We get a few song drops, including one big, obvious one near the end, and some cute little references that don’t feel to eye-rolley. But maybe I’m just biased. I do love that little, buggy game.

I feel pretty confident that Sonic 3 is the best Sonic movie, though its shortcomings do hold it back from being a stellar “movie” in my eyes. A lot of the comedy and characterizations outside of Eggman don’t super work for me, and the film’s emotional moments are often stale and generic. Yet, as a fan, I still find a lot of fun with these, particularly with the introduction of Shadow and the film’s growing willingness to go buck wild with source material. It still has its weaknesses, but it’s certainly the best video game to movie adaptations we’ve gotten thus far. And I’m a bigger Mario fan than I am Sonic, so you know that’s gotta mean something.

RATING

THE ULTIMATE LIFEFORM

Shadow the Hedgehog was created to be the ultimate lifeform, which I guess is supposed to be a anthropomorphic hedgehog that comes up to your knee. But in honor of coolest Sonic character, I have decided to immortalize him with a black and red cocktail. This is quite sweet, partially leaning into dessert thanks to the combination of the blackberry and chocolate, along with the richness of the creme de cassis. The bourbon itself plays a supporting role, though you never doubt it’s there. The grenadine at the bottom is more for visual flair than anything, but if you finish the cocktail and want to drink straight syrup like a maniac, then who am I to stop you?

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz bourbon
• 1/2oz blackberry liqueur
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 1/4oz creme de cassis
• Pinch of black sugar
• 2 dashes chocolate bitters
• 1oz grenadine

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add all ingredients (except grenadine) to a shaker and shake with ice.
2. Pour grenadine into a chilled coup glass.
3. Slowly strain cocktail on top to create a layered effect.

Musicals often feel like one of the most divisive film genres out there. The constant belting of your narrative and feelings through song can be seen as impassioned for some and grating for others. You know, I’m kind of in the middle there. Sometimes the only way to fully encapsulate the magnitude of the emotions and setting is through a grand musical number with aggressively detailed choreography. Films like La La Land, Chicago, and Moulin Rouge all succeed in this realm for me because everything feels appropriate and significant. 

But 2024 has not really captivated me with its musical offerings so far. Mean Girls didn’t really nail the jump from stage to screen, and Emilia Perez’s existence as a musical never really felt justified outside of an apparent need to be the most unique film of the year. So that brings us to Wicked, the adaptation of the acclaimed theater production, which I will say, out of the three musicals I’ve seen this year, I do think it’s the best, but is it good?

Wicked’s successes lie in its performances, from its lead stars to even its background roles tearing the dancefloor up. Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande have the kind of enemies-to-friends chemistry that makes their journey quite entertaining to watch. When the musical moments hit, they can really hit, even though the whole soundtrack isn’t a complete collection of bangers. But with all these positives, it’s a shame that my biggest issues come from the film’s presentation, from its questionable visual style to its thinly stretched narrative. I’ll be the first to admit it isn’t the emerald-coated train crash I might have been expecting, but I do feel confident that with all the visually expressive filmmaking out there, we do have the right to expect a little bit more.

So Wicked tells the tale of the Wicked Witch of the West before she became a cackling, easily meltable villainess. She was once an outcast girl named Elphaba, whose untapped magical powers earns her a seat at Shiz University. While there, she becomes unwilling roommates with spoiled airhead Galinda, who has great dreams of becoming a sorcerer. The two eventually form a budding friendship as Elphaba works her way to a meeting with the great Wizard of Oz, while also becoming aware of a huge conspiracy that boils underneath the magical world.

As I said before, the performances absolutely nail their roles, most obviously with Erivo and Grande. Erivo undeniably has one of the most powerful voices out there right now, which absolutely pays off as Elphaba rises from being reserved and understated to an undeniable force to be reckoned with. From an acting standpoint, Erivo does an admirable job, though I did find her characterization to be a tad underdeveloped. It’s easy to want to see her succeed thanks to the cartoonish malice and lepper-like reactions she receives, but I didn’t feel anything deeper than that. Her wants and goals don’t always feel entirely realized, while her inner turmoil over her perceived role in her mother’s death never really comes to the forefront in how she acts or develops. You would think that a part one with a runtime that matches the entire length of the original stage production would give the film more time for character development, but really, it just gives more room to dance around the idea. Sometimes a shorter amount of time is better, because you have to get right to the point and not beat around the bush. 

Then there’s Grande, who I admittedly had the most concerns about going into this. Sure she can sing, but it’s been a minute since I’ve seen her act. Luckily, the role of Galinda is the absolute perfect role for her. Bubbly and ditzy, yet possessing the volume for change, Grande shines through a character that could have been incredibly one note, but actually receives the most character development out of the two. I do think a little more could have been given, considering she eventually turns on and rejects her friend later down the line. The rumblings of this are shown in the film’s climax, but their severance ended up being purely physical while I think there could have been a slight dash of methodical thrown in to hint at what’s to come. Even still, I was surprised to find Grande to be my favorite part of the film, from her rich girl obliviousness to her capacity to do good outside of appearance-based rewards.

I said earlier that even the smaller performances help fill out the world, even though I mostly just meant the background actors who help bring the musical numbers to life, even if they do like an assortment of 30-year-olds playing teenagers. The other supporting roles are a bit mixed; some aren’t really giving much, while others aren’t really given anything to work with to begin with. Jonathan Bailey’s Fiyero had “show stealer” written all over him, but he isn’t given a ton to do and disappears rather quickly without really revealing what he’s all about. Michelle Yeoh and Jeff Goldblum, as much as I love them, are nothing to write home about here. They do exactly what their characters demand of them and nothing greater. Yes, Goldblum talks and acts exactly how you’d expect him to. 

It’s been talked about to death at this point, but yeah, the film’s color palette is pretty muted and flat. It’s not terrible to the point where it looks unrecognizable to the source material, but you would expect a film connected to one of the landmark films of technicolor to burn a little brighter. Director John M. Chu stated this was done to give the film more groundability and to make it more believable, which one, more color doesn’t disconnect us from this being a fully realized world, and two, why? Why would you be afraid to have a land filled with talking animals and cities of emerald come off as fantastical? When the film does commit to bolder colors, it kind of just looks gaudy next to the rest of the world. It doesn’t help that the film is lit so flatly, lacking in dramatic shadows to give it some depth. And the backlighting, my God, it looks like a warhead is detonating off in the distance in some scenes, particularly the Dancing Through Time number. It was really distracting, often incredibly glaring to the point where it was hiding character’s facial expressions for no real reason.

But what isn’t an eyesore is a lot of the beautiful set design the film has to offer. Gorgeously constructed sets of stone and crystal look phenomenal, with some of them really tying into their musical sequences, like the revolving library in the aforementioned Dancing Through Time scene. Most of the time the presentation of these scenes is pretty serviceable with the choreography and blocking, though I did find how these scenes were presented to be occasionally boring, both from a directing and cinematography standpoint. This is the same director as In the Heights, a film I thought did a lot of creative things with how it utilized the city as a focal point of the film, and I didn’t really find that here. But John M. Chu isn’t completely sauceless here, I just found him to be a bit lopsided. There’s a moment of dancing between Elphaba and Galinda with no music that really moved me in its simplicity. It was the most I was moved by the whole film, which feels like an issue, considering this is a play with Defying Gravity as the final song. That scene, though impressively performed by Erivo, is so drowned in ugly CGI and messy presentation that those booming vocals didn’t have the intended effect on me like they were anticipating. I don’t know, these are things most people probably won’t care about, but after getting spoiled with stuff like 2021’s West Side Story, I know more can be done here in the visual medium.

Wicked is bound to satisfy fans of the stage performance as it faithfully brings its charm and energy to the big screen. But if you’re like me, someone who has only heard the soundtrack and wasn’t all that pulled in by it, you may not be as electric for it. Thankfully its leading ladies dominate their screen time despite a handful of elements working against them. It does feel very long and doesn’t always manage to maintain its momentum, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested to see where this goes. Especially because theater heads have told me the back-half of the play is the least interesting part, so I guess we’ll see. But yeah, it’s a fine enough film underneath modern trappings like poor lighting and so-so visual effects that haunt me to no end, but families are still sure to like it. Can we just stop with Best Picture predictions for it already? Recency bias feels like a hell of a drug.

RATING

GALINDA FIZZ

Known for being bubbly (both in personality and as a motif) Galinda felt like a great subject to center a cocktail around. I decided to do some experimenting with bubblegum flavored vodka, a flavor that may be divisive as it’s not a typically culinary ingredient. But, when paired with cooling peppermint and sweet raspberry, I think it creates something magical. To really up the magic of the cocktail (along with its sweetness and color), I made a sparkling wand from a Blowpop and pink sanding sugar that you can use as a stirring device that also adds a little bit of sweetness to the cocktail!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz bubblegum-infused vodka
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 1/2oz peppermint schnapps
• 1/2oz raspberry liqueur
• Top: Soda water
• Garnish: Pink sugar coated Blowpop

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add ingredients to a tall glass, with the soda water being last.
2. Coat your Blowpop with the sugar, using either lemon juice or your own saliva (if you’re making the drink for yourself)
3. Stir the drink with the Blowpop, adding additional sugar if you’d like to play with the color.
4. Add ice.

Ridley Scott, the man that makes historians seethe, has been on a bit of a history kick as of late. Just last year he gave us Napoleon, and in 2021 he gave us both The Last Duel and House of Gucci. Say what you will about the quality of those films, the legendary director has found a way to game the industry and secure funding for a ton of films while other prominent directors struggle to even get a pitch meeting. But for every passion project, there’s a knock at the door from the studios asking Scott to revisit his past work for those sweet, sweet nostalgia dollars. It’s not Alien this time, but Gladiator, the 2000s historical epic starring Russel Crowe that today is regarded more or less as a classic that even secured itself five Academy Awards. 

It’s been a good ten or so years since I’ve seen that, but I remember it as an okay film elevated by some select scenes and performances. I didn’t have time to revisit before seeing the sequel, so the ‘Memberberries aren’t gonna play as big of a role here. But I have to give credit where credit is due; Ridley Scott can craft a hell of an epic. From large scale battles to semi-faithful historical recreations, Scott has more than proved himself capable of handling scale of this magnitude. I just wish he did it in more interesting movies is all.

Gladiator II features some stellar imagery, designs and brutality, but lacks a strong story at its forefront. This leads to an disappointingly lukewarm lead performance, which overtakes a much more compelling performance and story that should have set farther in the front. But historical accuracy be damned, the film does deliver on some decently fun set pieces that mostly do a decent job at coming off convincing despite their absurdity. I don’t think it’s going to overtake the original, but I don’t think it’s bad enough to feel completely unwarranted, though I can’t really believe Scott was truly passionate enough to return to the days of coliseums and feeling coarse sand in your hands.

Set 16 years after the death of Maximus, Rome lays siege to the city of Numidia, where a soldier named Hanno has his wife killed and is taken into slavery. But this is actually the son of Maximus named Lucious, who fled home after his father’s death. He becomes a gladiator under the ownership of slave turned stablemaster Macrinus, who looks to use Lucius’ fighting abilities to secure his ascension in Rome’s government, but all Lucius wants to do is kill the general that murdered his wife.

Look, I really like Paul Mescal. I think he is a fantastic actor with some riveting, down to earth roles under his belt. But here, as the lead gladiator Hanno aka Lucious…I don’t know, something just feels off. I’m struggling to figure out if this was a miscast or just poor direction, but Mescal does not carry the kind of gravitas you would expect for this role. He does look the part, but doesn’t exactly maintain a Crowe-like screen presence. He finds more success in the quieter, intimate moments, as that’s what he’s more known for, but his big displays of machismo don’t exactly always land. It doesn’t help that his motivation is pretty boring; his wife is killed and so now he has to work his way upwards to get to her murderer. Fridging is a pretty lazy story beat that can work, but there needs to be a little extra something there like John Wick. His relationship with his wife’s killer General Acacius, played by a serviceable Pedro Pascal, is given an interesting hook with him being the lover of his mother, but we never really get a lot of play between the two. Not to mention that some scenes with Lucious just fail to establish reasonable emotional weight, from his visions of his wife crossing over into death to his grappling with his imprisonment. I really wanted this to be a homerun for Mescal, but it just doesn’t have the legs it needed to run with.

But you want to talk about commanding the screen? Was there ever any doubt in Denzel Washington. Sure, he’s phoned in a performance here and there, but this man lives for the Shakesperean and the dramatic, and that’s what he delivers here. Washington, as Lucious’ slavemaster Macrinus, is a total scene chewer, working his way through the Roman hierarchy to secure as much power as he can. His rise from a slave to being someone who owns slaves of his own makes for a super compelling character, not willing to try to change the societal structures that held him down, but rather harness them for his own personal gain. “A slave only dreams of having a slave of his own”. This is a much more interesting story that completely walks all over the main plot, and I wish it could have been seated more at the forefront.

Last week I crapped on Red One for being a $250 million movie that did not look like one. Well, Gladiator II is, for the most part, quite the opposite. The recreation of Ancient Rome is crafted with both practical sets as well as mostly convincing digital effects. Except for a scene set in a flooded colosseum, you never really doubt the legitimacy of the settings our characters stand in. There’s even some animals that don’t feel too uncanny, from baboons to rhinos. Speaking of which, the battles with these beasts and others manage to be fun, but not nearly as batshit as I was hoping. The bare knuckle brawl with the baboons and the matador-esque bout with the gladiator on a rhino are silly, but not too out there to feel disjointed from the rest of the film. That kind of happens during a naval battle where the colosseum is filled with water and sharks, but you know what, I’m here for it. 

But this film does have an issue which I also found in Napoleon, where it feels like Scott doesn’t have much of a visual or directorial voice that has shined through in his recent films. There are some carryover elements, like inaccurate but consistent accents and an emphasis on large crowd creations, but overall I just didn’t find the style to be all that interesting. It certainly looks good and scenes are composed decently enough, but visual storytelling just feels like a second thought sometimes. Not to mention momentum just dips up and down throughout, especially when trying to juggle like three different parallel plots. 

It’s not a complete retread of the first film, but it more or less hits a lot of the same beats and character archetypes. It really makes me believe like this was a money move and not really a story Scott wanted to tell. Which, that’s fine and whatever, get your bag, but it makes me not want to put a ton of investment in these kinds of projects going forward.

Gladiator II is decent fun that will satisfy most looking for an easy watch with a bit of blood and sword fights. The attention to detail and scale is truly admirable, I just wish the story was given the same treatment. The main story is bland and predictable, while stuff like Macrinus’ journey felt like they belonged at the center. So, was I entertained? Meh. I wasn’t completely uninterested, but I did find myself a tad bored from time to time. At this point, Scott should just stick with one classic franchise. I’m dying to see more self-cest adventures with David and his other clones.

RATING

HIPPOCRAS

Did you know it’s incredibly easy to drink like the Romans did? Hippocras is a spiced wine concoction that has survived generations as a sort of mulled wine. Unlike mulled wine, however, this does not require a stovetop. Simply combine the ingredients, let them sit, and then serve hot, cold or room temperature. The spices come together in a Christmasy blend, while the sugar helps to sweeten it for those who don’t like their drinks too dry. The original recipe differs from this slightly, though this was made to be as accessible as possible. Most of these ingredients might be sitting in your spice rack right now!

INGREDIENTS

• 1 bottle red wine (dry wine preferably, like a pinot noir)
• 4 cinnamon sticks
• 2 inches peeled ginger
• 1/4tsp ground nutmeg
• 4 whole cloves
• 4 black peppercorns
• 2 sprigs rosemary
• 1/2 cup sugar

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine ingredients in a sealable container and let sit at room temperature for at least 24 hours.
2. Strain out left over spice remnants.
3. Serve at room temperature, or can be stored in the fridge to chill or heated on a saucepan.

Christmas is right around the corner, and I am elated. I just love the season so much. The muted colors, the lighting so dark that you can barely see where you are, the emphasis on government contracting. Does that not sound right? We’ll that’s what Red One seems to think Christmas is.

Christmas movies can come in all shapes and sizes, from stop motion, to Hallmark, and even brutal displays of violence. There’s seemingly millions of these kinds of movies because while they differ in approaches, their mission remains the same; show off the reason for the season and what it means for all who celebrate. Red One does not do that. It did not make me holly, it did not make me jolly, and it certainly did not fill me with Christmas cheer.

Red One is a bland, apathetic, overblown Christmas action film that hardly ever feels like it has to do with Santa or elves or even the month of December. It takes a half-assed superhero approach that features charmless wit and retreads the genre’s most obvious stories. On top of that, it looks atrocious with its under-saturated color pallet and commercial lighting style. But above all else, it fails to capture the magic and spirit of Christmas, which in my eyes makes Red One DOA.

When Santa Claus is kidnapped on the eve of Christmas, his most trusted “elf” Callum Drift must team up with an infamous hacker to track down the man in red to save the holiday and also remember the true meaning of the holidays.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves another Dwayne Johnson vanity project here. I usually define a vanity project as something that Dwayne has put personal stock in that presents him in a very particular way. We saw it a few years ago in Black Adam, and we pretty much get the same thing here. Johnson tackles this role like he does many of his other most recent roles; with stoicism, self-seriousness, and baby oil. I’m not sure when Dwayne decided to discard all the charisma and charm that made him a star in the first place for these wooden badass types, but it’s truly a disappointing turn in his career. The character of Callum Drift, which sounds like a name deemed too stupid for Fast and the Furious, is the typical no-nonsense, straight laced, all business character that, for me, only really works if there’s more of an irony to him. Johnson plays the role so serious to the point where there’s no chance of finding any humor in his situations. Granted, the rest of the world the film inhabits is also super serious, so you don’t even get the juxtaposition of having this character stomp around Bermuda or a shopping mall. It feels like a role scientifically designed to show how cool Johnson is without letting a shred of humanity or even fragility bleed through. His arc of believing in humanity again never really feels all that weighty, and by the time the film ends, you’re left thinking “that’s it?”. Also, I’m not entirely sure what he’s supposed to be. The department he works for is called ELF, but he doesn’t have ears or anything, though he can shrink to elf size. Also, he’s apparently hundreds of years old? It kind of feels like he thought he would look too uncool with elf ears so they left the whole thing ambiguous. Look, if Idris Elba could make it work, I’m sure you could have too.

Paired alongside him is Chris Evans as Bostonian scumbag hacker-for-hire Jack O’Malley, who I’ll admit is the more interesting one of the two. It really comes down to Evans’ performance, as his story of going from lowlife to hero to save his son is pretty by the books and feels very reminiscent of The Santa Clause. Other than him, no one really seems to stand out. J.K. Simmons as a buff Santa Claus sounds cool, but he’s barely in it and doesn’t really leave much of a mark on the film. Nick Kroll has like one scene, and he’s so goofy and over the top that I can’t help but wonder if he was the only one who realized what kind of movie he was in. But, I do have to give credit to one performance here, and that’s Kristofer Hivju as Krampus. He actually has an interesting backstory as Santa’s disgraced brother, who is brought to life by some truly stellar prosthetic work. I would have much more preferred a film about him and maybe his rocky relationship with his brother, but unfortunately he’s stuck being the best part of a worse movie.

I definitely want to give props to the makeup department here, because the scenes involving Krampus also host a ton of other great creature designs. Which makes me wonder what happened with the rest of the film, because it often looks terrible. The design of the North Pole is so uninteresting, and you barely ever get to see it because all of its scenes are shrouded in darkness, no doubt to hide its imperfections. Most of the film either takes place in the real world or shrouded in darkness, and it really shows how poor and uninventive the art direction feels here. The effects are a mixed bag; at their best when creating the odd Christmas creature, but at it’s worse when trying to pass off a sound stage as anything but. My biggest issue with the film’s visuals, however, comes down to the film’s coloring. Christmas is a time of bright lights and rich colors, and this film is devoid of each. If you caught most of these scenes without knowing what the film was, I don’t think you could guess this was supposed to be a Christmas movie. It doesn’t look like one and it doesn’t sound like one either.

I was kind of shocked how bad the writing was here, especially on a comedic level. Director Jake Kasdan has so many heavy hitters under his belt from Walk Hard to even the recent Jumanji movies, that I was shocked at how unfunny it was. And not even from an adult critiquing a kids movie kind of way; nobody in my theater laughed through most of it. The film doesn’t really take great advantage of Johnson or Evan’s skills, and the two come off void of chemistry because of it. From a story perspective, it takes a kind of cool idea and lessens it with generic plot points. Jack O’Malley’s story with his child feels incredibly rushed, while Callum Drift’s whole internal issue kind of just resolves itself by the end. There’s even elements pulled from other films that are executed in a much less interesting way. Callum essentially has Ant-Man powers but never uses them in as clever of a way, while the whole “elf agent” schtick was a lot more fun in The Santa Clause. There’s just no real fun or identity to be found through most of this, lacking its own personality and deciding to be as safe and manufactured as possible.

Look, I could see what people saw in this. A Christmas action film with two of the biggest actors in the world should be easy money, but this sure as shit is not what a $250 million movie should be. It’s clear a good chunk of that money went to the stars when it should have been invested more into the actual moving parts of the film. Red One almost feels like an anti-Christmas film at the end of the day; void of any real holiday spirit other than the fact it happens to feature Santa. It doesn’t really say a whole lot about the holiday or how we celebrate it, coming off as a heavily focus-tested, AI-generated piece of content only concerned with reeling you in with its stars and premise, but leaving you dissatisfied once you’re actually seated. There’s no emotion to it, it takes itself too seriously, it’s visually bland, and even though it has like one good segment to it, it can’t be saved from being a lump of coal in the stockings we call the cinemas. I think it’s time for Dwayne Johnson to quit worrying about changing the hierarchy of whatever genre he’s taken an interest in and just worry about being in good films.

RATING

WINTER WARZONE

Christmas is about family, togetherness, and all-around holiday cheer, right? WRONG! It’s about playing with your new toys, which is exactly what I did for this cocktail. I recently got myself an ISI cream whipper, and wanted to to test it out for the first time on a cocktail. With this handy device, I was able to create my own peppermint foam to top this cocktail with, and I am super happy with the final product. The minty bite of the foam pairs excellently alongside the slightly tart cocktail that provides quite the burn thanks to the rye whiskey and ginger. The flavors of peppermint and cranberry bring the feeling of the holidays early to create an all around enjoyable drink. Expect more tinkering with the cream whipper in the future!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz rye whiskey
• 1oz cranberry juice
• 3/4oz ginger syrup
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 3 dashes Peychaud’s bitters

Peppermint Foam:

• 1.5oz peppermint schnapps
• 1oz lemon juice
• 2 egg whites
• 3oz water
• TOOL: ISI Cream whipper

1. For the foam, add all ingredients to your cream whipper.
2. Screw in a N2O charger and give the whipper a shake.
3. Remove the charger and add another one, giving the whipper another shake.
4. Put whipper in fridge for at least 30 minutes.
5. In a shaker, add your cocktail ingredients and shake with ice.
6. Strain into glass, then top with foam.

Sean Baker is one of my favorite independent directors working today. Based on the past three of his films I’ve seen, the guy has no misses. His films typically give glimpses into marginalized and misrepresented communities, particularly the realm of sex work. For the most part, I think Baker shows these facets of human life with both respect and objectivity, often feeling voyeuristic at times thanks to his utilization of unknown actors. Yet he also is never one to shy away from the absurdity of real life, crafting comedy that doesn’t punch down and never really feels exploitative despite the obvious exploitation film inspirations.

Anora manages to be both a progression of his style while also feeling like a bit of a detour. The legs of the film never buckle underneath the weight of bigger scope and budget, still maintaining the personal approach we’ve come to expect from him. This time around, the film feels like less of a snapshot of Americana like his other films, opting to be more character driven while sacrificing some of the introspection that can be found in past works. That being said, it does leave the door open for a ton of terrific comedic performances, not only making this his funniest film, but also potentially the funniest film of the entire year.  

Anora follows the titular exotic dancer who gets involved with a young, immature man flaunting a ton of money. As their relationship develops, she learns he is the son of a wealthy Russian Oligarch that has supplied him with a small fortune to study in America, but all he really wants to do is play video games, smoke weed, and hit up strip clubs. The money and status attracts Ani into pursuing a romantic relationship with him, eventually marrying the kid in Vegas. But of course, his family disapproves, and their relationship begins to unravel as associates of his parents try to do everything in their power to break them up.

You may recognize Mikey Madison from smaller roles in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and Scream 5; bit roles that nonetheless showed the potential she possesses as an actor. Anora finally gives her a leading opportunity to prove her stuff, and she does not disappoint. The Brooklyn babe who prefers to go by Ani is fierce, funny and hard to pin down, with her motives never really becoming the clearest, even to her. Yet you can see what drives her; she’s looking to break free from her dead end gig as a nudey dancer that she’s willing to goad herself into believing in romance just to escape it. While the role doesn’t get as deep into those themes throughout, it’s still hard to deny the working class pipe dream she experiences resonates with a lot of us. Madison sells all of it, delivering a relatable performance that suddenly kicks you right in the ass in an impactful final scene. The self-delusion of her situation never feels like a forced plot device or an unrealistic arc, and that 100 percent comes down to Baker’s respectful directing and Madison’s earnest performance.

But her performance is only one side of this coin, as another is made up of the outstanding supporting roles that help make this film an absolute riot. Mark Eydelshteyn plays Anora’s childish sugar daddy Ivan in a way that is more or less what you’d expect; a rich boy indifferent to consequences and responsibility. Yet there are glimpses where you believe this could be a runaway romance story, but I won’t spoil exactly where that goes. But then there are the incredible performances of Yura Borisov, Karren Karagulian and Vache Tovmasyan as the hired hands in charge of wrangling Ivan. Holy hell, once these three enter the film, it all flies completely off the rails in the best way possible. Each brings something different to the table, with Borisov’s quiet confusion, Karagulian’s explosive outbursts, and Tovmasyan’s perc’d up sheepishness. These three are an absolute blast that dominate the middle of this film, completely flipping my expectations and sending the film into high gear.

You may think you know how this film will play out based on synopsis or trailers, and maybe I’m just dumb, but this surprised the hell out of me in the most welcoming way possible. The first act feels like a budding romance film, with two characters attracted to one another for their services and money respectfully. A potential genuine love begins to blossom, and the two learn that they’ll have to fight for their right to be together against powerful forces looking to control their life. But then the film just says fuck that and turns into a high octane, screwball comedy complete with slapstick and a metric ton of swearing. I was genuinely caught off guard by how funny this film was. I know Baker has comedic talents, evident by his previous film Red Rocket, but good lord, this has some of the best executed laughs I have seen all year. There’s an extended home invasion sequence that just keeps getting funnier and funnier as Ani lashes out at the henchmen while they do everything in their power not to hurt her. The film transforms into a game of cat and mouse that keeps the laughs coming, and by the time the third act rolls around, it’s more or less back to business wrapping everything up in a fitting but expected finale.

Like I said before, this film feels like less of a snapshot of a particular type of community or way of life and is way more narrative dependent. It’s definitely similar to the aforementioned Red Rocket, but even that film’s tiny Texas town felt like a character in its own right. That’s not to say Anora doesn’t possess a solid representation of Russian-occupied Brooklyn or the life of a night butterfly, but it does feel a bit more like window dressing this time around. That’s not a terrible thing, as the film still does substantial work in destigmatizing sex workers, though it’s not the forefront mission. And maybe that wasn’t needed considering the rest of Baker’s filmography does exactly that, and it certainly didn’t hurt my enjoyment in the slightest. 

If you get the chance, I would highly recommend catching Anora as soon as it becomes available to you. It’s possibly Baker’s most approachable film, yet it never sacrifices the grounded but colorful style the director is known for. It gets unbelievably funny but knows when to shrink its scope to focus on its touching and heart aching moments. Not much left to say other than it’s easily one of the best films of the year that will have you tipping your strippers a little extra this holiday season.

RATING

PINK RUSSIAN

The Pink Russian is a bit of a riff on the White Russian, which substitutes coffee flavors for chocolate and almond, alongside the modification of strawberry cream. This creates a delicious dessert cocktail that’s incredibly approachable, sweet and a tad fruity. A perfect winter or post-Vegas wedding drink, and even if you come to regret the marriage, you’ll never regret having this!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz vanilla vodka
• 1oz strawberry cream
• 1/2oz creme de cacao
• 1/2oz amaretto

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add all ingredients to a rocks glass filled with ice. Stir to combine.

Ever since I was a wee lad, my favorite comic book character was Venom. He was essentially my 2nd favorite comic character, Spider-Man, but darker and more edgy, and my preteen ass ate that crap up. He’s just such a fun character that has gone through so many changes and metamorphosizes yet has always remained cool and iconic in my eyes. And yeah, I even like him in Spider-Man 3. Say what you will about his shoehorned inclusion or having Topher Grace play Eddie Brock, I still loved it and I couldn’t wait for the potential day that a Venom movie would come to fruition. Especially when the MCU really started to pick up steam and Spider-Man was brought into the mix, I could not wait to see what Marvel had planned for the lethal protector. There’s just one little problem: Sony.

I have made it very clear on this channel that I think Sony has completely crapped the bed with its Spider-Man universe that does not have Spider-Man. Their attempts to create an extended universe using the B and C players of the Spider-Man mythos has not produced a single moderately good outing, and yes, that includes the Venom trilogy. Let’s ignore the fact that Spider-Man, an integral piece to the identity and creation of Venom, is not in. Genuinely, I think it could still work; it wouldn’t be the same and lose part of what makes their dynamic so compelling, but I still think it could work. But that first Venom movie was not very good in my eyes, and its follow up was even worse. And now we’re here; the third film, manipulatively named The Last Dance to imply we have reached the end of the road on this truly gripping story, meaning we’re going to go out with a bang. But it’s not really a bang like a firework; more like a bang of explosive diarrhea hitting the toilet bowl.

Venom: The Last Dance is nothing. It does nothing, satisfies nothing, and means nothing. It’s an overly complicated yet shockingly barren film that has not learned from the missteps of its past films and has opted to continue to crap out ill conceived and underbaked ideas while coasting on the recognizability of the titular character. The duo of Eddie Brock and Venom are the high point, but that high point is only a few inches off the ground. It’s shockingly boring, barren of any real sense of joy or emotion, and it immediately backtracks on its own identity as soon as it can, because when has Sony ever been able to turn down a couple extra bucks.

Eddie Brock and his symbiote pal are on the run from the government and try to head to New York to seek asylum. But they quickly find out that they are also being hunted by monsters sent by a galactic evil that needs something the two have. From there, the duo engage in a buddy road trip where they meet new faces, old friends, and plenty of wasted potential.

I said Eddie and Venom’s relationship is still the highlight of the film, but I thought it’s never felt weaker than this film. They’re still kind of the same bickering married couple, only this time the film makes it a point to try to remind you of how much they’ve been through together. All the ups and downs and the wacky misadventures, as if you were supposed to really feel something for this pairing. These two losers’ relationship never feels as deep or as personal as the film suggests, but I can’t really blame Tom Hardy for a lot of it. His Eddie Brock has gotten increasingly more sweaty and dirty as the film goes on, and I like that. I do like that he’s stayed a schmuck that gets progressively more confident throughout the films, but as a character I feel like there’s not a ton to get behind. As for his Venom voice…yeah, I still can’t understand what he’s saying half the time.

As for the supporting cast, it’s the same crime as the previous films: talented actors given absolute hogwash to work with. Chiwetel Ejiofor and Rhys Ifans are probably the biggest head scratches here considering Ejiofor is the MCU’s Baron Mordo while Ifans portrayed The Lizard in The Amazing Spider-Man and more recently, Spider-Man: No Way Home. Given how it seems Sony has been adamant about finding ways to join their universe with the MCU, this feels weirdly misguided and proof that they have no real direction ahead. Ejiofor’s Rex Strickland is pretty much a generic military commander, while Ifans’ Martin Moon does deliver on some goofy, hippy shenanigans that ultimately doesn’t lead to anything worthwhile. And then there’s Knull, god and creator of the symbiotes, who is orchestrating the whole thing to free himself from a galactic prison. You could tell Sony wants this to be their Thanos-level threat, which seems odd to introduce in what you’re labeling as your finale. Hint hint. Aside from a big dumb exposition dump at the beginning and a worthless mid credits scene, he does not leave an impact in the slightest, purely a pair of jingly keys to shake at you to try and convince you this film is better than it is.

The biggest detractor of these films for me has been the writing. Now, I know what I’m getting myself into with a film like this. I’m not expecting Aaron Sorkin-levels of dialogue and wit, but I’m at least expecting it to be entertaining. Venom is a funny character, and despite Hardy’s weird but entertaining line deliveries, I never found anything he said to be funny on its own. Almost every attempt at being humorous or clever fell flat to me. Say what you will about the quippiness of the MCU, but that has a far higher batting average than anything Sony has created. Everything that isn’t meant to be funny just ends up being bland stereotypical action movie jargon, feeling like filler that’s meant to be glossed up later in a rewrite. Sometimes the writing doesn’t make a ton of sense. Take these Xenophage aliens hunting Venom; they see in static grayscale and can only track Venom when he is in his full form. If Venom turns back into Eddie, he’s pretty much invisible to them, even if he’s standing right in front of them. But Venom can still project himself without triggering their sight, it’s only when he’s fully formed. Does this mean Venom could just, like, leave one of Eddie’s fingers visible when formed and the aliens couldn’t find them? Also, when Eddie and Venom get separated, the Xenophage still knows to track the helicopter they are being carried in despite it being unable to see them a minute earlier when they were right in front of it? Sure, this is maybe nitpicking, but I think it just reflects how little thought went into this.

Here’s a scene that I think perfectly encapsulates Sony’s handling of the Spider-Man properties. So, Rex Strickland is tracking Venom to Vegas, and he has a call with a shady higher-up asking for permission to utilize “The Six”. Ooo, sounds so cool and badass. Now, we know Strickland works for an organization that’s housing several symbiotes, so my first thought was “Oh, they’re going to send in a special ops team bonded with symbiotes to hunt down Venom, and then later on Venom and those symbiotes will have to team up to face a common threat”. But the very next scene when Venom is captured, it’s just six regular special ops guys that subdues him. Those symbiotes come into play later, but their inclusion feels way less meaningful and uninteresting. That’s Sony’s Marvel films; they have interesting tools at their disposal, but they have no clue how to utilize them to their fullest potential. 

What else is there even to say? The effects for Venom and the Xenophages are quite good, but a lot of these digitally generated environments look terrible, and some of the other symbiote effects in this are just downright laughable. The needle drops are predictable and boring; I guess the well they call the Sony music vault is running a little dry. 

Earlier this year, Sony put out Madame Web, one of the worst superhero films I’ve seen in years. It’s a baffling mess of a movie, but honestly I’m currently wondering if I liked it more than this. Yeah, Madame Web is laughably terrible, but at least it made me feel some kind of emotion; at least it was so bad that I couldn’t look away. I wanted to mentally check out multiple times throughout this, despite there being some semi-decent action sequences and corny fun. Venom: The Last Dance, like the first two films, does not do the character justice, nor does it come together to form a baseline decent movie. It’s mindless, but not in a way that impresses you with the sheer absurdity of it; it just makes your eyes glaze over and smooths your brain into a slick pebble. It has no real admirable identity to it, no real style or substance that makes me think “Hey, at least an effort was made.” Some people are trying, like Hardy, the VFX team, and the marketing team considering this thing is doing well at the box office, but it isn’t enough to make me like this. This isn’t even “The Last Ride” as the film labels itself; it’s just has no stakes, no emotional resonance, and no reason to put my faith into Sony’s live-action Marvel properties. 

RATING

LETHAL PROTECTOR

The symbiote unlocks a darker side of yourself, sometimes making you do crazy things, like drink balsamic vinegar! But actually, you don’t need a space parasite to justify that. Balsamic has been utilized in cocktails for many years now, opening the door for new and exciting flavor combinations. The Lethal Protector is my crack at it, combining the potent vinegar flavor alongside biting tequila, tart lemon, and sweet blackberries. The final product is quite nice and refreshing, with just a little bit of burn thanks to the inclusion on ginger beer. If you’re a fan of margaritas, this is a great starting point on your journey into balsamic cocktails and referring to yourself with plural pronouns.

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5oz tequila
• 1/2oz blue curacao
• 3/4oz balsamic vinegar
• 3/4oz lemon juice
• 4 blackberries
• pinch of black sugar
• Rim: Salt
• Top: Ginger beer

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Using a lemon wedge, rim a glass with salt, then set aside.
2. Add vinegar and blackberries to a shaker, then muddle.
3. Add additional ingredients and ice, then shake to chill.
4. Double strain into prepared glass.
5. Top with ginger beer.