Who says that Halloween has to be the only holiday we associate with horror movies? Sure, it may be the spookiest month, but there’s enough pent up bloodthirst all year round, and baby, we gotta get it out from New Years to Christmas. The flexibility of horror is why it’s such a fun genre to tackle, and we’ve seen in the past that if there’s a holiday, someone can get brutally murdered during it. St. Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving, hell, even Independence Day, truly there is no holiday where you are safe from some sicko trying to ruin the fun.

Valentine’s Day is no different, and it honestly kinda makes sense. It’s a holiday often filled with unrequited feelings that can boil to a breaking point that just makes you want to cut someone’s head off. Not talking from personal experience, if my wife happens to be watching this. From the obvious like My Bloody Valentine and simply Valentine, to the somewhat adjacent Bride of Chucky and The Loved Ones, it’s clear that romance and murder is a match made in heaven.

And now we have Heart Eyes throwing its creepy custom gas mask into the ring of holiday horror movies. The film centers around a masked killer the emerges every Valentine’s Day to kill unsuspecting couples just trying to feel the love in the air. This year Ally, a struggling pitch designer, is unintentionally thrown into a meet cute with fellow designer Jay, and one kiss is all it takes for the Heart Eyes Killer to set his bright red sights on these two love birds in denial.

Sounds pretty basic and predictable? Yeah, that’s because it is. For slashers to work for me in this modern era post Scream and Cabin in the Woods, the film needs to be bolstered by a few things; mainly it’s setup, its writing and its kills. Unfortunately, Heart Eyes only succeeds on occasion, hardly ever throwing me for a loop or gushing with enough personality to truly stand out in my eyes. It does have some fun deaths and occasionally the writing got a laugh out of me, but come on. We’ve seen this song and dance before, and it wasn’t exactly executed well enough to make me want to see it again.

Take our two MCs, Ally and Jay, played respectively by Oliva Holt and Mason Gooding. Both are no strangers to the slasher genre, with Holt appearing in 2023’s Totally Killer and Gooding appearing in both of the latest Scream films. I think each of them do an okay enough job, but for a film that kinda needs to revolve around the romantic chemistry of its leads, I honestly wasn’t feeling the connection. Their dynamic is pulled right out of a million Hallmark movies; a busybody girl who has given up on the idea of love, and the hot prince of a man that’s going to turn it all around for her. Truth be told, I don’t have a problem with this kind of setup if it’s going to play against expectations. And the film kinda does this at first, as the two constantly have to shout at the Heart Eyes Killer that they aren’t in love as if that’s going to stop him from hunting and killing them. Their budding romance is very predictable, and I honestly think it would have been funnier if it didn’t happen at all. Like, the whole reason the killer is following them is because they kissed in order to make her ex jealous, and I think it could have been funny to actually make them hate each other. The film could have started out with the possibility of them being together, but then it all gets dashed as soon as the knives come out. Then you could have had a few wacky setups of them trying to show how much they aren’t in love, like trying to screw each other over when the killer is after them, only realizing later they need to band together to stay alive. It could have been a bit of an anti-Valentines film with this as well, but I get them wanting to make this a holiday classic that couples could throw on every year. 

As we know from horror films, if there’s love, or lust in the air, stabbing and maiming is sure to follow shortly. The brutality in the film wasn’t as consistent as I would have liked, but when it hits, it hits pretty satisfyingly. The film opens with a newly engaged couple getting murdered, with the bride-to-be getting squished in a vat until she’s reduced into a crimson barrel of blood wine. It’s disgusting and funny and it really revs you up for more kills like that…and then the movie kinda just stops doing them. Yeah, the film segues really quickly into romantic comedy territory, which goes on for so long that you might actually forget you’re watching a horror movie. I get it’s there to develop the lead’s relationship, but I still feel like more could have been sprinkled in to let us know a killer is still out there. We hear about Heart Eyes’ next few kills on the news, but I think we could have afforded to see these murders played out, even if only for brief moments. But luckily the back half of the film is mostly a chase that happens all in one night, which means we get to see a lot more gory kills. Heads roll and skin holes get made, and these scenes are definitely the highlight of the film.

As for the comedy, I found it to be pretty hit or miss. There’s some great lines and deliveries here, but not everything lands. The film isn’t bogged down by copious amounts of irony like you might expect from a genre that’s really run its course, but even still, I kinda wish it was a bit more clever in how it presented the main relationship. Again, I just think it would’ve been more funny if they hated each other. The funniest moments in the film are usually involving the two of them arguing, so can you blame me for wanting to see more of that? Maybe it could have gone more out there, crafting a world that felt like an artificially peppy Hallmark movie that the two leads could have contrasted against, almost revolting against a world that is trying to drive them together, and now they’re gonna get killed for it. 

Despite me thinking this film is just fine, I still see the potential in this to entertain audiences. It delivers on more holiday themed horror that many seem to enjoy, with a twisted cupid ripping the hearts out of as many lovers as he can. The leads are charming, even if their chemistry didn’t always work for me, and the kills are a bloody good time that I just wish we got to see more of. It’s not going to rejuvenate the slasher genre or make you view the holiday through a different lens, but I wouldn’t call it a slog if you’re looking to have a decent, short watch with your boo and/or bae. Alright, what’s the next holiday to get a horror movie? I’m thinking Arbor Day; trees come to life and start killing us as revenge for deforestation? Wait, I think M. Night already did that one.

RATING

BLEEDING HEART

Valentine’s Day: great for some, terrible for others. Alcohol is a bit similar, but whether you’re enjoying the holiday with your significant other or rolling solo, you deserve a great drink. This drink is a bit of a cross between a blackberry whiskey sour and a Last Word, stabbing you in the mouth upfront with bright, tart fruit flavors, followed by a nice lingering of botanical notes. Whether the pain you’re experiencing this Valentine’s Day is from love or a masked killer, you certainly can’t go wrong with this drink.

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz gin
• 1/2oz Chambord (or other blackberry liqueur)
• 1/4oz Maraschino liqueur
• 3/4oz lemon juice
• Dash of grenadine
• 1 egg white
• Dusting: Strawberry powder
• Tool: Heart stencil

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add all ingredients to a shaker and shake without ice for about 20 seconds.
2. Add ice and shake to chill.
3. Strain into a chilled coup glass.
4. Using a heart stencil, dust the strawberry powder on top of the cocktail to make a heart shaped design.

Dracula. Frankenstein’s monster. Harvey Weinstein. Terrifying monsters from movies who have continued to find new ways to scare us since their inception long ago. And that’s exactly what 2025 is trying to do to ring in the new year with Wolf Man, a modernized take on the Universal classic about the man who is also a wolf. Whether it be through the 1940s Lon Chaney picture or the 2010 reboot, you’re probably at least familiar with the concept of a werewolf. Yes, we’ll accept Twilight as well, there’s no judgement here. 

So I was actually pretty curious to see this film considering director Leigh Whannell’s last film was 2020’s The Invisible Man. This was a film that took another classic Universal monster and modernized to better reflect modern fears and paranoias. While it’s not perfect, I respected the swings he took to make the iconic concept hit a little closer to home.

And you know what, he attempts the same kind of approach with Wolf Man, tying the horrendous process of slowly turning into a monster with the inheriting of family trauma and the drive to be the one to break that chain for your own children. He attempted that, at least. Wolf Man doesn’t exactly stick the landing as gracefully with its metaphors this time around, which isn’t the end of the world as long as the film at least delivers on some monstrous fun. Unfortunately, that isn’t really the case here. While I think it starts off pretty strong, the film eventually becomes a slog that seems to lose sight of bringing its themes full circle, instead focusing on lackluster scares in its poorly lit setting. There’s some good ideas here, but the eternal theme of wrestling with the beast inside is possibly the weakest link.

So the film follows a family relocating to the husband’s late father’s farm, but a terrible accident caused by some bipedal monster forces them to take shelter in the old farmhouse. But the husband begins to slowly lose himself, having been infected by a disease that quickly aims to do a bit more than put a little hair on his chest.

I think this film starts out pretty great, really setting a solid, ominous tone. A small hunting trip between father and son quickly grows incredibly tense, and while there’s no huge payoff, it gets things moving in the right direction. But unfortunately, I think the film struggles to maintain that tension as it goes on. Once they make it into the house, things get pretty slow and repetitive, not exactly making the best use of such a claustrophobic space. A lot of the horror from there comes from the metamorphosis of the father into the wolfman. It can be pretty gross at times, but also feels like a far cry from the brutality of something like An American Werewolf in London. The transformation is more of a slowly building sickness rather than an agonizing shift into a beast, so you get a few teeth falling out here and a little bit of arm skin being gnawed off there. A pretty interesting addition is the separation between how the infected father and the rest of the family see the world. When we’re in the dad’s POV, the world glows a haunting blueish green and he’s no longer able to understand his family, which is a truly frightening idea. But the final look for the wolfman isn’t anything all that crazy or interesting. Sorry furries, but he’s way more man than wolf in this one.

So, the way the wolf man stuff works is that it needs to be passed from one recipient to another. In this case, our protagonist Blake is scratched by another wolfman and slowly begins to change. As he changes, he loses more and more of himself until he’s all monster. This connects to his harsh upbringing with his militant father, and how those temper issues slowly begin to take root in Blake as an adult, which strains his own relationship with his wife and daughter. I think that’s a pretty solid take on this type of story, but unfortunately, it just doesn’t come together completely. This is shown through Blake just being harsh one or two times, and you never really believe it’s as big of an issue as the film wants you to think. Once Blake is mostly through his transformation, the story shifts to being more from his wife Charlotte’s point of view, which means we end up losing that internal struggle he’s facing. Charlotte actually ends up getting more to do in the film this way, but the film doesn’t follow through with her own internal dilemma established early on. She expresses fear that she’s lost her relationship with her daughter because of how much she works, but their actual relationship is hardly given any development or even acknowledgement. This leaves someone as talented as Julia Garner without much character to work with. And since we are no longer seeing the world primarily through the eyes of Blake, his connection to the point the film is trying to make feels nonexistent, as he loses the agency to even wrestle with it. 

But you probably want to know if it’s scary or not. In my opinion, it’s scariest when it’s slowly building dread, creeping up on you and getting under your skin with some admittedly effective sound design. When it becomes more of a creature flick, it loses a lot of its scariness in my opinion. You get a little bit of wolfman on wolfman action, but it’s so quick and unfocused that I’d hardly consider it a fun time. The climax essentially becomes a game of cat and mouse around the farm that could have been pretty heart pumping; there’s just one problem. You can’t see a goddamn thing that’s happening. By far my biggest complaint with this film is how it handles darkness, and since most of the story takes place in the middle of the night, that’s a good chunk of this film. These scenes of complete darkness are borderline incomprehensible. There’s a whole sequence in a barn where I couldn’t tell who was where and what was being done. In this annoying trend of modern films trying to capture authentic darkness, they’ve completely shrouded their film in a dark void to the point where you could close your eyes and see just about as much. I know darkness is used to hide imperfections, but the setting? The characters? Little actions that weigh heavily on the plot? Don’t you want people to see those? Look at Nosferatu! That film is dark as hell, but it’s stylized and colored in a way that when you’re meant to see something…you can actually see it! What a concept! What was I talking about? Oh yeah, sure. It’s a little scary at first but not really by the end.

Wolf Man is not a complete and total waste though. I do think the dread and slowly building anxiety of the situation can be pretty effective, and there’s a halfway decent attempt at connecting a pretty basic horror setup to a very real anxiety about inheriting the worst parts of our upbringing. But outside of that, you’re not going to find too much to get excited for. Lacking in both the charm to make this a bit of fun or the emotional maturity to really make this resonate, Wolf Man spends its slower moments failing to tap into the man, while the more high octane moments never really let the wolf run crazy. And Jesus, the visual style is at best competent and at worst unseeable. Even with all these complaints, it’s still one of the better Blumhouse movies to come out in a hot minute, so there’s a little victory for ya. But I’m willing to let Whannel give it another crack. I’m looking forward to seeing how he ties The Creature From the Black Lagoon to the horrors of motherhood, or something like that.

RATING

Oh boy, it is now once again time for my favorite segment on this channel: Adult Man Overanalyzes a Kids Movie. I’ll admit, there are a lot of kids movies that are purposefully not marketed towards me, and so I feel as though those can be a bit hard to judge. However, I was a huge Sonic the Hedgehog fan growing up, so I feel like this is one of those instances where it makes sense for me. Especially considering I already reviewed the first and second Sonic films on this channel, but this is the one I was anticipating the most. My favorite Sonic game growing up was Sonic Adventure 2: Battle for the Gamecube, which introduced me to everyone’s favorite beacon of edge, Shadow the Hedgehog. The emo icon is finally making his big screen debut, which has only been overshadowed by the anticipation of seeing Maria bite the bullet onscreen as well.

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is perhaps the biggest piece of fanservice the trilogy has offered up, loosely adapting the story of Shadow’s debut game to create a story with some thrilling moments for fans and possibly even the uninitiated. From music pieces to little references, the games feel properly honored this go around, even if they’re still stuck in a by-the-numbers kids film. The writing is often grating at times and the plot sometimes slips out of focus, but I do feel as though this is the best outing in the trilogy, even if it’s only by a narrow margin.

So Sonic and his friends Tails and Knuckles must take on Shadow, an alien that has escaped containment with a vendetta against humanity for the tragedies of his past. The trio must also contend with their old nemesis Doctor Robotnik, along with the doctor’s long-lost grandfather Gerald Robotnik, who has a devious plan up his sleeve more evil than anything they’ve faced before. 

So this film is the first real proper take on Team Sonic, which has its successes as well as its fumbles. While I conceptually like their characterizations, Sonic the headstrong leader, Tails the genius, and Knuckles the honorable muscle, I do wish we would have gotten more character development out of them. The film tries to give them conflict in the form of Sonic being unable to work within a team, but that issue is hardly ever felt outside of like one scene where it’s absolutely needed. It’s a good scene for what it’s worth, I just wish it remained consistent throughout the story. Other than that, I still have my issues with some of the characters. Ben Schwartz’s Sonic remains particularly grating, not really as a fault to Ben, but more the writing around him. I get he’s young, hyperactive and annoying, but he’s supposed to annoy people in the movie, not the ones watching it. Tails, much like the prior film, is kind of just there and doesn’t really have much of a character to speak of. He’s supposedly Sonic’s best friend and the voice of reason, but I never really felt much of that at all. But Knuckles is consistently still the best of the three, so good on ya, Idris.

Jim “I Don’t Do Sequels” Carrey once again returns as the devious Doctor Robotnik, but this time he’s pulling double duty by also playing his deranged grandfather, Gerald. Like the past two films, Carrey is the absolute highlight here, and now we’ve got double the dosage. Both doctors are one-liner machines, but Carrey manages to make both feel different and distinct. Gerald has a bit more of an edge to him, but also plays into Robotnik’s goofy side as well. But what everyone was coming to see was Shadow, played by Keanu Reeves, who I have mixed feelings on actually. This is kind of how I feel for a lot of Reeves‘ roles: love the voice, not so much the delivery. Reeves does capture the angst of the character fairly well, though some lines are delivered so oddly that it kind of gave me whiplash. The film at least does a decent job at drawing parallels between him and Sonic, as both are examples of outsiders formed by their tragedies, though each has taken a different path because of it. Even though that’s great, Shadow still felt a tad underutilized here, sometimes getting lost in the shuffle with all the other characters and questionable moments. Somehow I don’t think the Robotnik dance number should have been that long.

It’s kind of wild, but this film has some of the best computer-generated action sequences out of the bulk of Hollywood movies today. From a chase through the city to a globetrotting fist fight, these scenes are always colorful, well structured, and a lot of fun. I do think the film does a bit of a better job with prioritizing these moments, though the film can still be rife with agonizing injections of comedy that either go on for too long or completely miss the mark. Sonic didn’t floss in this one, so I guess that’s something. That being said, this film is noticeably darker in tone compared to the other two, but not really in a goofy, undeserved kind of way. There’s some halfway decent emotional moments, like Shadow’s backstory with Maria, and then some unneeded ones like the film trying to convince you a main character just got killed. I won’t say the film is “mature”, but it does handle heavier tones decently well.

And look, I’m not really one for key jangling in films like these, but this film actually felt like it was paying tribute to its source, which I didn’t always feel in the previous films. Those films seemed so shy about including any music from the games or getting wilder with its world building, but that isn’t so much the case here. It’s a loose adaptation of Sonic Adventure 2, which helps to make it feel more like a tribute guided by the source material. We get a few song drops, including one big, obvious one near the end, and some cute little references that don’t feel to eye-rolley. But maybe I’m just biased. I do love that little, buggy game.

I feel pretty confident that Sonic 3 is the best Sonic movie, though its shortcomings do hold it back from being a stellar “movie” in my eyes. A lot of the comedy and characterizations outside of Eggman don’t super work for me, and the film’s emotional moments are often stale and generic. Yet, as a fan, I still find a lot of fun with these, particularly with the introduction of Shadow and the film’s growing willingness to go buck wild with source material. It still has its weaknesses, but it’s certainly the best video game to movie adaptations we’ve gotten thus far. And I’m a bigger Mario fan than I am Sonic, so you know that’s gotta mean something.

RATING

THE ULTIMATE LIFEFORM

Shadow the Hedgehog was created to be the ultimate lifeform, which I guess is supposed to be a anthropomorphic hedgehog that comes up to your knee. But in honor of coolest Sonic character, I have decided to immortalize him with a black and red cocktail. This is quite sweet, partially leaning into dessert thanks to the combination of the blackberry and chocolate, along with the richness of the creme de cassis. The bourbon itself plays a supporting role, though you never doubt it’s there. The grenadine at the bottom is more for visual flair than anything, but if you finish the cocktail and want to drink straight syrup like a maniac, then who am I to stop you?

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz bourbon
• 1/2oz blackberry liqueur
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 1/4oz creme de cassis
• Pinch of black sugar
• 2 dashes chocolate bitters
• 1oz grenadine

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add all ingredients (except grenadine) to a shaker and shake with ice.
2. Pour grenadine into a chilled coup glass.
3. Slowly strain cocktail on top to create a layered effect.

Musicals often feel like one of the most divisive film genres out there. The constant belting of your narrative and feelings through song can be seen as impassioned for some and grating for others. You know, I’m kind of in the middle there. Sometimes the only way to fully encapsulate the magnitude of the emotions and setting is through a grand musical number with aggressively detailed choreography. Films like La La Land, Chicago, and Moulin Rouge all succeed in this realm for me because everything feels appropriate and significant. 

But 2024 has not really captivated me with its musical offerings so far. Mean Girls didn’t really nail the jump from stage to screen, and Emilia Perez’s existence as a musical never really felt justified outside of an apparent need to be the most unique film of the year. So that brings us to Wicked, the adaptation of the acclaimed theater production, which I will say, out of the three musicals I’ve seen this year, I do think it’s the best, but is it good?

Wicked’s successes lie in its performances, from its lead stars to even its background roles tearing the dancefloor up. Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande have the kind of enemies-to-friends chemistry that makes their journey quite entertaining to watch. When the musical moments hit, they can really hit, even though the whole soundtrack isn’t a complete collection of bangers. But with all these positives, it’s a shame that my biggest issues come from the film’s presentation, from its questionable visual style to its thinly stretched narrative. I’ll be the first to admit it isn’t the emerald-coated train crash I might have been expecting, but I do feel confident that with all the visually expressive filmmaking out there, we do have the right to expect a little bit more.

So Wicked tells the tale of the Wicked Witch of the West before she became a cackling, easily meltable villainess. She was once an outcast girl named Elphaba, whose untapped magical powers earns her a seat at Shiz University. While there, she becomes unwilling roommates with spoiled airhead Galinda, who has great dreams of becoming a sorcerer. The two eventually form a budding friendship as Elphaba works her way to a meeting with the great Wizard of Oz, while also becoming aware of a huge conspiracy that boils underneath the magical world.

As I said before, the performances absolutely nail their roles, most obviously with Erivo and Grande. Erivo undeniably has one of the most powerful voices out there right now, which absolutely pays off as Elphaba rises from being reserved and understated to an undeniable force to be reckoned with. From an acting standpoint, Erivo does an admirable job, though I did find her characterization to be a tad underdeveloped. It’s easy to want to see her succeed thanks to the cartoonish malice and lepper-like reactions she receives, but I didn’t feel anything deeper than that. Her wants and goals don’t always feel entirely realized, while her inner turmoil over her perceived role in her mother’s death never really comes to the forefront in how she acts or develops. You would think that a part one with a runtime that matches the entire length of the original stage production would give the film more time for character development, but really, it just gives more room to dance around the idea. Sometimes a shorter amount of time is better, because you have to get right to the point and not beat around the bush. 

Then there’s Grande, who I admittedly had the most concerns about going into this. Sure she can sing, but it’s been a minute since I’ve seen her act. Luckily, the role of Galinda is the absolute perfect role for her. Bubbly and ditzy, yet possessing the volume for change, Grande shines through a character that could have been incredibly one note, but actually receives the most character development out of the two. I do think a little more could have been given, considering she eventually turns on and rejects her friend later down the line. The rumblings of this are shown in the film’s climax, but their severance ended up being purely physical while I think there could have been a slight dash of methodical thrown in to hint at what’s to come. Even still, I was surprised to find Grande to be my favorite part of the film, from her rich girl obliviousness to her capacity to do good outside of appearance-based rewards.

I said earlier that even the smaller performances help fill out the world, even though I mostly just meant the background actors who help bring the musical numbers to life, even if they do like an assortment of 30-year-olds playing teenagers. The other supporting roles are a bit mixed; some aren’t really giving much, while others aren’t really given anything to work with to begin with. Jonathan Bailey’s Fiyero had “show stealer” written all over him, but he isn’t given a ton to do and disappears rather quickly without really revealing what he’s all about. Michelle Yeoh and Jeff Goldblum, as much as I love them, are nothing to write home about here. They do exactly what their characters demand of them and nothing greater. Yes, Goldblum talks and acts exactly how you’d expect him to. 

It’s been talked about to death at this point, but yeah, the film’s color palette is pretty muted and flat. It’s not terrible to the point where it looks unrecognizable to the source material, but you would expect a film connected to one of the landmark films of technicolor to burn a little brighter. Director John M. Chu stated this was done to give the film more groundability and to make it more believable, which one, more color doesn’t disconnect us from this being a fully realized world, and two, why? Why would you be afraid to have a land filled with talking animals and cities of emerald come off as fantastical? When the film does commit to bolder colors, it kind of just looks gaudy next to the rest of the world. It doesn’t help that the film is lit so flatly, lacking in dramatic shadows to give it some depth. And the backlighting, my God, it looks like a warhead is detonating off in the distance in some scenes, particularly the Dancing Through Time number. It was really distracting, often incredibly glaring to the point where it was hiding character’s facial expressions for no real reason.

But what isn’t an eyesore is a lot of the beautiful set design the film has to offer. Gorgeously constructed sets of stone and crystal look phenomenal, with some of them really tying into their musical sequences, like the revolving library in the aforementioned Dancing Through Time scene. Most of the time the presentation of these scenes is pretty serviceable with the choreography and blocking, though I did find how these scenes were presented to be occasionally boring, both from a directing and cinematography standpoint. This is the same director as In the Heights, a film I thought did a lot of creative things with how it utilized the city as a focal point of the film, and I didn’t really find that here. But John M. Chu isn’t completely sauceless here, I just found him to be a bit lopsided. There’s a moment of dancing between Elphaba and Galinda with no music that really moved me in its simplicity. It was the most I was moved by the whole film, which feels like an issue, considering this is a play with Defying Gravity as the final song. That scene, though impressively performed by Erivo, is so drowned in ugly CGI and messy presentation that those booming vocals didn’t have the intended effect on me like they were anticipating. I don’t know, these are things most people probably won’t care about, but after getting spoiled with stuff like 2021’s West Side Story, I know more can be done here in the visual medium.

Wicked is bound to satisfy fans of the stage performance as it faithfully brings its charm and energy to the big screen. But if you’re like me, someone who has only heard the soundtrack and wasn’t all that pulled in by it, you may not be as electric for it. Thankfully its leading ladies dominate their screen time despite a handful of elements working against them. It does feel very long and doesn’t always manage to maintain its momentum, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested to see where this goes. Especially because theater heads have told me the back-half of the play is the least interesting part, so I guess we’ll see. But yeah, it’s a fine enough film underneath modern trappings like poor lighting and so-so visual effects that haunt me to no end, but families are still sure to like it. Can we just stop with Best Picture predictions for it already? Recency bias feels like a hell of a drug.

RATING

GALINDA FIZZ

Known for being bubbly (both in personality and as a motif) Galinda felt like a great subject to center a cocktail around. I decided to do some experimenting with bubblegum flavored vodka, a flavor that may be divisive as it’s not a typically culinary ingredient. But, when paired with cooling peppermint and sweet raspberry, I think it creates something magical. To really up the magic of the cocktail (along with its sweetness and color), I made a sparkling wand from a Blowpop and pink sanding sugar that you can use as a stirring device that also adds a little bit of sweetness to the cocktail!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz bubblegum-infused vodka
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 1/2oz peppermint schnapps
• 1/2oz raspberry liqueur
• Top: Soda water
• Garnish: Pink sugar coated Blowpop

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add ingredients to a tall glass, with the soda water being last.
2. Coat your Blowpop with the sugar, using either lemon juice or your own saliva (if you’re making the drink for yourself)
3. Stir the drink with the Blowpop, adding additional sugar if you’d like to play with the color.
4. Add ice.

Ridley Scott, the man that makes historians seethe, has been on a bit of a history kick as of late. Just last year he gave us Napoleon, and in 2021 he gave us both The Last Duel and House of Gucci. Say what you will about the quality of those films, the legendary director has found a way to game the industry and secure funding for a ton of films while other prominent directors struggle to even get a pitch meeting. But for every passion project, there’s a knock at the door from the studios asking Scott to revisit his past work for those sweet, sweet nostalgia dollars. It’s not Alien this time, but Gladiator, the 2000s historical epic starring Russel Crowe that today is regarded more or less as a classic that even secured itself five Academy Awards. 

It’s been a good ten or so years since I’ve seen that, but I remember it as an okay film elevated by some select scenes and performances. I didn’t have time to revisit before seeing the sequel, so the ‘Memberberries aren’t gonna play as big of a role here. But I have to give credit where credit is due; Ridley Scott can craft a hell of an epic. From large scale battles to semi-faithful historical recreations, Scott has more than proved himself capable of handling scale of this magnitude. I just wish he did it in more interesting movies is all.

Gladiator II features some stellar imagery, designs and brutality, but lacks a strong story at its forefront. This leads to an disappointingly lukewarm lead performance, which overtakes a much more compelling performance and story that should have set farther in the front. But historical accuracy be damned, the film does deliver on some decently fun set pieces that mostly do a decent job at coming off convincing despite their absurdity. I don’t think it’s going to overtake the original, but I don’t think it’s bad enough to feel completely unwarranted, though I can’t really believe Scott was truly passionate enough to return to the days of coliseums and feeling coarse sand in your hands.

Set 16 years after the death of Maximus, Rome lays siege to the city of Numidia, where a soldier named Hanno has his wife killed and is taken into slavery. But this is actually the son of Maximus named Lucious, who fled home after his father’s death. He becomes a gladiator under the ownership of slave turned stablemaster Macrinus, who looks to use Lucius’ fighting abilities to secure his ascension in Rome’s government, but all Lucius wants to do is kill the general that murdered his wife.

Look, I really like Paul Mescal. I think he is a fantastic actor with some riveting, down to earth roles under his belt. But here, as the lead gladiator Hanno aka Lucious…I don’t know, something just feels off. I’m struggling to figure out if this was a miscast or just poor direction, but Mescal does not carry the kind of gravitas you would expect for this role. He does look the part, but doesn’t exactly maintain a Crowe-like screen presence. He finds more success in the quieter, intimate moments, as that’s what he’s more known for, but his big displays of machismo don’t exactly always land. It doesn’t help that his motivation is pretty boring; his wife is killed and so now he has to work his way upwards to get to her murderer. Fridging is a pretty lazy story beat that can work, but there needs to be a little extra something there like John Wick. His relationship with his wife’s killer General Acacius, played by a serviceable Pedro Pascal, is given an interesting hook with him being the lover of his mother, but we never really get a lot of play between the two. Not to mention that some scenes with Lucious just fail to establish reasonable emotional weight, from his visions of his wife crossing over into death to his grappling with his imprisonment. I really wanted this to be a homerun for Mescal, but it just doesn’t have the legs it needed to run with.

But you want to talk about commanding the screen? Was there ever any doubt in Denzel Washington. Sure, he’s phoned in a performance here and there, but this man lives for the Shakesperean and the dramatic, and that’s what he delivers here. Washington, as Lucious’ slavemaster Macrinus, is a total scene chewer, working his way through the Roman hierarchy to secure as much power as he can. His rise from a slave to being someone who owns slaves of his own makes for a super compelling character, not willing to try to change the societal structures that held him down, but rather harness them for his own personal gain. “A slave only dreams of having a slave of his own”. This is a much more interesting story that completely walks all over the main plot, and I wish it could have been seated more at the forefront.

Last week I crapped on Red One for being a $250 million movie that did not look like one. Well, Gladiator II is, for the most part, quite the opposite. The recreation of Ancient Rome is crafted with both practical sets as well as mostly convincing digital effects. Except for a scene set in a flooded colosseum, you never really doubt the legitimacy of the settings our characters stand in. There’s even some animals that don’t feel too uncanny, from baboons to rhinos. Speaking of which, the battles with these beasts and others manage to be fun, but not nearly as batshit as I was hoping. The bare knuckle brawl with the baboons and the matador-esque bout with the gladiator on a rhino are silly, but not too out there to feel disjointed from the rest of the film. That kind of happens during a naval battle where the colosseum is filled with water and sharks, but you know what, I’m here for it. 

But this film does have an issue which I also found in Napoleon, where it feels like Scott doesn’t have much of a visual or directorial voice that has shined through in his recent films. There are some carryover elements, like inaccurate but consistent accents and an emphasis on large crowd creations, but overall I just didn’t find the style to be all that interesting. It certainly looks good and scenes are composed decently enough, but visual storytelling just feels like a second thought sometimes. Not to mention momentum just dips up and down throughout, especially when trying to juggle like three different parallel plots. 

It’s not a complete retread of the first film, but it more or less hits a lot of the same beats and character archetypes. It really makes me believe like this was a money move and not really a story Scott wanted to tell. Which, that’s fine and whatever, get your bag, but it makes me not want to put a ton of investment in these kinds of projects going forward.

Gladiator II is decent fun that will satisfy most looking for an easy watch with a bit of blood and sword fights. The attention to detail and scale is truly admirable, I just wish the story was given the same treatment. The main story is bland and predictable, while stuff like Macrinus’ journey felt like they belonged at the center. So, was I entertained? Meh. I wasn’t completely uninterested, but I did find myself a tad bored from time to time. At this point, Scott should just stick with one classic franchise. I’m dying to see more self-cest adventures with David and his other clones.

RATING

HIPPOCRAS

Did you know it’s incredibly easy to drink like the Romans did? Hippocras is a spiced wine concoction that has survived generations as a sort of mulled wine. Unlike mulled wine, however, this does not require a stovetop. Simply combine the ingredients, let them sit, and then serve hot, cold or room temperature. The spices come together in a Christmasy blend, while the sugar helps to sweeten it for those who don’t like their drinks too dry. The original recipe differs from this slightly, though this was made to be as accessible as possible. Most of these ingredients might be sitting in your spice rack right now!

INGREDIENTS

• 1 bottle red wine (dry wine preferably, like a pinot noir)
• 4 cinnamon sticks
• 2 inches peeled ginger
• 1/4tsp ground nutmeg
• 4 whole cloves
• 4 black peppercorns
• 2 sprigs rosemary
• 1/2 cup sugar

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine ingredients in a sealable container and let sit at room temperature for at least 24 hours.
2. Strain out left over spice remnants.
3. Serve at room temperature, or can be stored in the fridge to chill or heated on a saucepan.

[Note: I do not consider myself a movie critic. What follows is just one fanboy’s opinion based off of a single double viewing of the film. Oh, and there are SPOILERS ahead for this movie, so take heed.]

If you’ve followed this blog, you may have noticed that the Transformers franchise comes up quite a bit in my writing. It was certainly my favorite toy line growing up, and Optimus Prime may, in fact, be favorite fictional character of all time. I have no real love for the live-action Bayverse Transformers movies outside of Steve Jablonsky’s hauntingly beautiful musical scores and some fantastic voice acting. But, for the most part, I don’t care for them. Bumblebee is the sole exception. I had hoped that it would lead the way, but Rise of the Beasts showed me that the cinematic franchise on the whole had learned nothing from Travis Knight’s retro-themed movie outing.

So, it didn’t surprise me when I started hearing about Transformers One. Transformers as I knew it came from animation, and the franchise has been kept alive through the years through many different animated series. So, a CGI-animated take on the story adapted to the big screen felt inevitable, especially as Hasbro struggles to stay afloat.

First Impressions

I must admit that when I saw the first trailer for Transformers One, I was…skeptical. We were once again going back to the root causes of the war for Cybertron, and the growing divide between Autobot and Decepticon, which has been done over and over again. I was not particularly enthused about yet another reboot in what seems like a rapid-fire series of Transformers reboots by Hasbro in recent years.

The general vibe that the trailer gave off seemed like we would be in for a goofy, slap-stick adventure romp on Cybertron. Also, the fact that Peter Cullen and Frank Welker would not be reprising their iconic roles as Optimus Prime and Megatron was a big thumbs-down for me.

But, I could see that my young son was interested in going to see it, so I steeled myself and went into the theatres expecting a low-effort attempt at getting a younger generation to embrace a decades-old toy franchise.

As I sat there in my reclining seat, however, I quickly began to realize how wrong I was about, well, everything regarding this movie. The tone was very different than I had guessed, and for the better. More than that, this movie far surpassed my expectations and played into the meta-lore of the Transformers universe far more than I would have guessed.

What I liked

The MUSICAL SCORE: I know a movie score is good when I can’t wait to get home from the theatre and download it. I found, to my delight, that Brian Tyler had composed the score. That explained the sublime sense of mystery and awe that permeates the musical landscape of this movie. Tyler is one of my favorite of the “modern” crop of movie composers. He did the score for Iron Man 3, which is excellent. He also did the score for the Syfy mini-series version of Dune, which really elevated the drama. Oh, and he also did the theme for Transformers Prime, perhaps the best Transformers has ever sounded on the small screen.

Orion Pax and D-16:  It was great to see the two of them as friends, even with the foreknowledge that they would eventually become the greatest of enemies. They did a good job of establishing their base personalities that contain the seeds of the conflict to come. Orion Pax doesn’t mind breaking rules that he sees are unjust or in the service of uncovering the truth. He sees the potential in his fellow miners and wants to become more than what they current are. D-16, on the other hand, prefers to follow the rules to the letter, to stick to established protocols. When it is ultimately revealed that the rules he’s been so strictly adhering to are a lie, he is crushed, resulting in him becoming angry and vengeful.

The animation and models: CGI-based storytelling has come a long way, and the Transformers franchise has upped its game from the days of the original Beast Wars. I was surprised at just how beautiful and natural some of the animation was in this movie, even when it’s applied to anthropomorphic robots that turn into vehicles. I was also impressed with just how emotive and expressive the four primary characters were on screen.

Megatron’s eyes: I picked up on this little gem on my first viewing of the movie. A good indicator of the story’s escalation is found in the color of Megatron’s eyes. They start out a bright yellow, but as things are revealed and the road he is on darkens, his eyes begin to turn more of an orange color. I predicted that they would turn red at a critical moment, and sure enough, I was right. It was a subtle touch that really gives you that dividing line between D-16 as we knew him and his new persona as Megatron — who then goes on to name his faction after the great deception that he had a hand in destroying.

Two leadership styles: Once Orion and D-16 come back from the wilds, but before they take their iconic names, you can see how they both lead their respective groups effectively. Orion Pax is an inspirational figure, who leads from the front, and is excellent at making those around him believe they are capable of greater things than they ever thought possible. By contrast, D-16 is all about showing strength through acts of force, which appeals to the dangerous, more military sensibilities of the High Guard. When D-16 is captured by Sentinel Prime, the ex-miner would rather die on his feet than grovel on his knees. Even when he gets knocked down, he stands back up with even more defiance.

A satisfying story: In a feature-length movie, character arcs have to move fast, faster than they would in a series format. Still, Transformers One clocks in at a respectable 104 minutes, which isn’t bad for an animated show. I think that the story moves along pretty quickly but pauses in places for some great character development and worldbuilding. By the end of it, it feels like the characters have been on an era-defining adventure that nicely sets up the ongoing conflict in the Cybertronian war to come. After having seen this material retreaded upon again and again, this take felt fresh and just sort of ‘right’ for the continuity that they had set up.

What I DIDN’T Like

Lack of original voice actors: I think that Brian Tyree Henry and Chris Hemsworth did admirable jobs as the voice actors for Megatron and Optimus Prime, respectively. I don’t want to disparage their performance as I think it was excellent. The issue is that Peter Cullen and Frank Welker sort of “own” their Transformers personas in a way we don’t see very often. Their voices give Megs and Op a kind of genuine spark (full pun intended) to the characters that’s really irreplaceable. I think it was a missed opportunity to include them in this project. Can you imagine Orion coming back from the planet’s core with the Matrix, now with Peter Cullen’s iconic voice style? Or, when Megatron proclaims “I’m done saving you,” having Frank Welker’s voice take over for the remainder?

Human characteristics on robots: At one point, we see Orion’s lips flapping in the wind as the train speeds up. Later on when they are avoiding the Quintessons in the ruins, we seem Orion look like he’s breathing hard. This is such a minor thing, but these very human traits looked completely out of place on a character model who is a robot. It took me out of the moment when it happened.

The death of Alpha Trion: Alpha Trion is the archetypical mentor character in Transformers, effectively Merlin to Optimus Prime’s King Arthur. While Alpha Trion got to take out some random goons with the cheeky retort of “Not too old for you,” he basically was just there to deliver some exposition and be executed at the hands of Sentinel. If we get a sequel they could always bring him back somehow, but the total amount of time he got to spend with Orion Pax here is measured in a matter of moments. I had hoped to see a father-son relationship develop between them.

The lingering odor of the Bayverse: There are a few points where I could tell that the story still had some of the greasy little fingerprints of Michael Bay left over from the live action movies. Sentinel Prime being an outright villain and tyrant (rather than just a bully and an a-hole in Transformers: Animated) feels like it took some cues from Dark of the Moon. Bumblebee being named B-127 calls back to a Bayverse Bee before he got his Earth name. Also that there are (or were) multiple Primes at once rather than it being a succession of one at a time through stewardship of the Matrix of Leadership. It seems we cannot quite escape the Bayverse here, though to be fair, there were plenty more G1 nods.

Conclusions

The G1 continuity will always be my favorite telling of the Transformers story. In my heart of hearts, the origins of Orion Pax’s transformation into Optimus Prime can be found in episode #59 of the Sunbow cartoon titled “War Dawn.” Unfortunately, aside from the video game Transfomers: Devastation and a select few comic books, we aren’t getting any more narrative continuations of that version of Transformers. 

That said, I realize that Transformers fans my son’s age want something new, something more updated to appeal to them. Some of Hasbro’s attempts to provide this in recent years, such as War for Cybertron, Robots in Disguise, and Earthspark have seemed half-hearted and disposable. Transformers One, however, felt like an honest attempt to bring Transformers forward to a more modern viewership. There’s a real heart to this movie that many other recent versions of Transformers have just sort of lacked. I was surprised just how much I enjoyed the experience — on both occasions.

And, you know, if the continuity of this movie becomes the basis for the Transformers milieu of my son’s generation, I’m more than okay with it. It remains to be seen if we get more from this branch of the Transformers universe, however. As enjoyable as I found this movie, and with it receiving some decent reviews from critics, it unfortunately didn’t do as well as expected. I do hope this isn’t the last we see of the Transformers One crew. I wish them many more heroic adventures to come. So, from me to the cast and crew of this movie, let me simply say: ‘Til all are one!

And that’s the way this fanboy sees it.

Christmas is right around the corner, and I am elated. I just love the season so much. The muted colors, the lighting so dark that you can barely see where you are, the emphasis on government contracting. Does that not sound right? We’ll that’s what Red One seems to think Christmas is.

Christmas movies can come in all shapes and sizes, from stop motion, to Hallmark, and even brutal displays of violence. There’s seemingly millions of these kinds of movies because while they differ in approaches, their mission remains the same; show off the reason for the season and what it means for all who celebrate. Red One does not do that. It did not make me holly, it did not make me jolly, and it certainly did not fill me with Christmas cheer.

Red One is a bland, apathetic, overblown Christmas action film that hardly ever feels like it has to do with Santa or elves or even the month of December. It takes a half-assed superhero approach that features charmless wit and retreads the genre’s most obvious stories. On top of that, it looks atrocious with its under-saturated color pallet and commercial lighting style. But above all else, it fails to capture the magic and spirit of Christmas, which in my eyes makes Red One DOA.

When Santa Claus is kidnapped on the eve of Christmas, his most trusted “elf” Callum Drift must team up with an infamous hacker to track down the man in red to save the holiday and also remember the true meaning of the holidays.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves another Dwayne Johnson vanity project here. I usually define a vanity project as something that Dwayne has put personal stock in that presents him in a very particular way. We saw it a few years ago in Black Adam, and we pretty much get the same thing here. Johnson tackles this role like he does many of his other most recent roles; with stoicism, self-seriousness, and baby oil. I’m not sure when Dwayne decided to discard all the charisma and charm that made him a star in the first place for these wooden badass types, but it’s truly a disappointing turn in his career. The character of Callum Drift, which sounds like a name deemed too stupid for Fast and the Furious, is the typical no-nonsense, straight laced, all business character that, for me, only really works if there’s more of an irony to him. Johnson plays the role so serious to the point where there’s no chance of finding any humor in his situations. Granted, the rest of the world the film inhabits is also super serious, so you don’t even get the juxtaposition of having this character stomp around Bermuda or a shopping mall. It feels like a role scientifically designed to show how cool Johnson is without letting a shred of humanity or even fragility bleed through. His arc of believing in humanity again never really feels all that weighty, and by the time the film ends, you’re left thinking “that’s it?”. Also, I’m not entirely sure what he’s supposed to be. The department he works for is called ELF, but he doesn’t have ears or anything, though he can shrink to elf size. Also, he’s apparently hundreds of years old? It kind of feels like he thought he would look too uncool with elf ears so they left the whole thing ambiguous. Look, if Idris Elba could make it work, I’m sure you could have too.

Paired alongside him is Chris Evans as Bostonian scumbag hacker-for-hire Jack O’Malley, who I’ll admit is the more interesting one of the two. It really comes down to Evans’ performance, as his story of going from lowlife to hero to save his son is pretty by the books and feels very reminiscent of The Santa Clause. Other than him, no one really seems to stand out. J.K. Simmons as a buff Santa Claus sounds cool, but he’s barely in it and doesn’t really leave much of a mark on the film. Nick Kroll has like one scene, and he’s so goofy and over the top that I can’t help but wonder if he was the only one who realized what kind of movie he was in. But, I do have to give credit to one performance here, and that’s Kristofer Hivju as Krampus. He actually has an interesting backstory as Santa’s disgraced brother, who is brought to life by some truly stellar prosthetic work. I would have much more preferred a film about him and maybe his rocky relationship with his brother, but unfortunately he’s stuck being the best part of a worse movie.

I definitely want to give props to the makeup department here, because the scenes involving Krampus also host a ton of other great creature designs. Which makes me wonder what happened with the rest of the film, because it often looks terrible. The design of the North Pole is so uninteresting, and you barely ever get to see it because all of its scenes are shrouded in darkness, no doubt to hide its imperfections. Most of the film either takes place in the real world or shrouded in darkness, and it really shows how poor and uninventive the art direction feels here. The effects are a mixed bag; at their best when creating the odd Christmas creature, but at it’s worse when trying to pass off a sound stage as anything but. My biggest issue with the film’s visuals, however, comes down to the film’s coloring. Christmas is a time of bright lights and rich colors, and this film is devoid of each. If you caught most of these scenes without knowing what the film was, I don’t think you could guess this was supposed to be a Christmas movie. It doesn’t look like one and it doesn’t sound like one either.

I was kind of shocked how bad the writing was here, especially on a comedic level. Director Jake Kasdan has so many heavy hitters under his belt from Walk Hard to even the recent Jumanji movies, that I was shocked at how unfunny it was. And not even from an adult critiquing a kids movie kind of way; nobody in my theater laughed through most of it. The film doesn’t really take great advantage of Johnson or Evan’s skills, and the two come off void of chemistry because of it. From a story perspective, it takes a kind of cool idea and lessens it with generic plot points. Jack O’Malley’s story with his child feels incredibly rushed, while Callum Drift’s whole internal issue kind of just resolves itself by the end. There’s even elements pulled from other films that are executed in a much less interesting way. Callum essentially has Ant-Man powers but never uses them in as clever of a way, while the whole “elf agent” schtick was a lot more fun in The Santa Clause. There’s just no real fun or identity to be found through most of this, lacking its own personality and deciding to be as safe and manufactured as possible.

Look, I could see what people saw in this. A Christmas action film with two of the biggest actors in the world should be easy money, but this sure as shit is not what a $250 million movie should be. It’s clear a good chunk of that money went to the stars when it should have been invested more into the actual moving parts of the film. Red One almost feels like an anti-Christmas film at the end of the day; void of any real holiday spirit other than the fact it happens to feature Santa. It doesn’t really say a whole lot about the holiday or how we celebrate it, coming off as a heavily focus-tested, AI-generated piece of content only concerned with reeling you in with its stars and premise, but leaving you dissatisfied once you’re actually seated. There’s no emotion to it, it takes itself too seriously, it’s visually bland, and even though it has like one good segment to it, it can’t be saved from being a lump of coal in the stockings we call the cinemas. I think it’s time for Dwayne Johnson to quit worrying about changing the hierarchy of whatever genre he’s taken an interest in and just worry about being in good films.

RATING

WINTER WARZONE

Christmas is about family, togetherness, and all-around holiday cheer, right? WRONG! It’s about playing with your new toys, which is exactly what I did for this cocktail. I recently got myself an ISI cream whipper, and wanted to to test it out for the first time on a cocktail. With this handy device, I was able to create my own peppermint foam to top this cocktail with, and I am super happy with the final product. The minty bite of the foam pairs excellently alongside the slightly tart cocktail that provides quite the burn thanks to the rye whiskey and ginger. The flavors of peppermint and cranberry bring the feeling of the holidays early to create an all around enjoyable drink. Expect more tinkering with the cream whipper in the future!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz rye whiskey
• 1oz cranberry juice
• 3/4oz ginger syrup
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 3 dashes Peychaud’s bitters

Peppermint Foam:

• 1.5oz peppermint schnapps
• 1oz lemon juice
• 2 egg whites
• 3oz water
• TOOL: ISI Cream whipper

1. For the foam, add all ingredients to your cream whipper.
2. Screw in a N2O charger and give the whipper a shake.
3. Remove the charger and add another one, giving the whipper another shake.
4. Put whipper in fridge for at least 30 minutes.
5. In a shaker, add your cocktail ingredients and shake with ice.
6. Strain into glass, then top with foam.

Sean Baker is one of my favorite independent directors working today. Based on the past three of his films I’ve seen, the guy has no misses. His films typically give glimpses into marginalized and misrepresented communities, particularly the realm of sex work. For the most part, I think Baker shows these facets of human life with both respect and objectivity, often feeling voyeuristic at times thanks to his utilization of unknown actors. Yet he also is never one to shy away from the absurdity of real life, crafting comedy that doesn’t punch down and never really feels exploitative despite the obvious exploitation film inspirations.

Anora manages to be both a progression of his style while also feeling like a bit of a detour. The legs of the film never buckle underneath the weight of bigger scope and budget, still maintaining the personal approach we’ve come to expect from him. This time around, the film feels like less of a snapshot of Americana like his other films, opting to be more character driven while sacrificing some of the introspection that can be found in past works. That being said, it does leave the door open for a ton of terrific comedic performances, not only making this his funniest film, but also potentially the funniest film of the entire year.  

Anora follows the titular exotic dancer who gets involved with a young, immature man flaunting a ton of money. As their relationship develops, she learns he is the son of a wealthy Russian Oligarch that has supplied him with a small fortune to study in America, but all he really wants to do is play video games, smoke weed, and hit up strip clubs. The money and status attracts Ani into pursuing a romantic relationship with him, eventually marrying the kid in Vegas. But of course, his family disapproves, and their relationship begins to unravel as associates of his parents try to do everything in their power to break them up.

You may recognize Mikey Madison from smaller roles in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and Scream 5; bit roles that nonetheless showed the potential she possesses as an actor. Anora finally gives her a leading opportunity to prove her stuff, and she does not disappoint. The Brooklyn babe who prefers to go by Ani is fierce, funny and hard to pin down, with her motives never really becoming the clearest, even to her. Yet you can see what drives her; she’s looking to break free from her dead end gig as a nudey dancer that she’s willing to goad herself into believing in romance just to escape it. While the role doesn’t get as deep into those themes throughout, it’s still hard to deny the working class pipe dream she experiences resonates with a lot of us. Madison sells all of it, delivering a relatable performance that suddenly kicks you right in the ass in an impactful final scene. The self-delusion of her situation never feels like a forced plot device or an unrealistic arc, and that 100 percent comes down to Baker’s respectful directing and Madison’s earnest performance.

But her performance is only one side of this coin, as another is made up of the outstanding supporting roles that help make this film an absolute riot. Mark Eydelshteyn plays Anora’s childish sugar daddy Ivan in a way that is more or less what you’d expect; a rich boy indifferent to consequences and responsibility. Yet there are glimpses where you believe this could be a runaway romance story, but I won’t spoil exactly where that goes. But then there are the incredible performances of Yura Borisov, Karren Karagulian and Vache Tovmasyan as the hired hands in charge of wrangling Ivan. Holy hell, once these three enter the film, it all flies completely off the rails in the best way possible. Each brings something different to the table, with Borisov’s quiet confusion, Karagulian’s explosive outbursts, and Tovmasyan’s perc’d up sheepishness. These three are an absolute blast that dominate the middle of this film, completely flipping my expectations and sending the film into high gear.

You may think you know how this film will play out based on synopsis or trailers, and maybe I’m just dumb, but this surprised the hell out of me in the most welcoming way possible. The first act feels like a budding romance film, with two characters attracted to one another for their services and money respectfully. A potential genuine love begins to blossom, and the two learn that they’ll have to fight for their right to be together against powerful forces looking to control their life. But then the film just says fuck that and turns into a high octane, screwball comedy complete with slapstick and a metric ton of swearing. I was genuinely caught off guard by how funny this film was. I know Baker has comedic talents, evident by his previous film Red Rocket, but good lord, this has some of the best executed laughs I have seen all year. There’s an extended home invasion sequence that just keeps getting funnier and funnier as Ani lashes out at the henchmen while they do everything in their power not to hurt her. The film transforms into a game of cat and mouse that keeps the laughs coming, and by the time the third act rolls around, it’s more or less back to business wrapping everything up in a fitting but expected finale.

Like I said before, this film feels like less of a snapshot of a particular type of community or way of life and is way more narrative dependent. It’s definitely similar to the aforementioned Red Rocket, but even that film’s tiny Texas town felt like a character in its own right. That’s not to say Anora doesn’t possess a solid representation of Russian-occupied Brooklyn or the life of a night butterfly, but it does feel a bit more like window dressing this time around. That’s not a terrible thing, as the film still does substantial work in destigmatizing sex workers, though it’s not the forefront mission. And maybe that wasn’t needed considering the rest of Baker’s filmography does exactly that, and it certainly didn’t hurt my enjoyment in the slightest. 

If you get the chance, I would highly recommend catching Anora as soon as it becomes available to you. It’s possibly Baker’s most approachable film, yet it never sacrifices the grounded but colorful style the director is known for. It gets unbelievably funny but knows when to shrink its scope to focus on its touching and heart aching moments. Not much left to say other than it’s easily one of the best films of the year that will have you tipping your strippers a little extra this holiday season.

RATING

PINK RUSSIAN

The Pink Russian is a bit of a riff on the White Russian, which substitutes coffee flavors for chocolate and almond, alongside the modification of strawberry cream. This creates a delicious dessert cocktail that’s incredibly approachable, sweet and a tad fruity. A perfect winter or post-Vegas wedding drink, and even if you come to regret the marriage, you’ll never regret having this!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz vanilla vodka
• 1oz strawberry cream
• 1/2oz creme de cacao
• 1/2oz amaretto

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add all ingredients to a rocks glass filled with ice. Stir to combine.

Ever since I was a wee lad, my favorite comic book character was Venom. He was essentially my 2nd favorite comic character, Spider-Man, but darker and more edgy, and my preteen ass ate that crap up. He’s just such a fun character that has gone through so many changes and metamorphosizes yet has always remained cool and iconic in my eyes. And yeah, I even like him in Spider-Man 3. Say what you will about his shoehorned inclusion or having Topher Grace play Eddie Brock, I still loved it and I couldn’t wait for the potential day that a Venom movie would come to fruition. Especially when the MCU really started to pick up steam and Spider-Man was brought into the mix, I could not wait to see what Marvel had planned for the lethal protector. There’s just one little problem: Sony.

I have made it very clear on this channel that I think Sony has completely crapped the bed with its Spider-Man universe that does not have Spider-Man. Their attempts to create an extended universe using the B and C players of the Spider-Man mythos has not produced a single moderately good outing, and yes, that includes the Venom trilogy. Let’s ignore the fact that Spider-Man, an integral piece to the identity and creation of Venom, is not in. Genuinely, I think it could still work; it wouldn’t be the same and lose part of what makes their dynamic so compelling, but I still think it could work. But that first Venom movie was not very good in my eyes, and its follow up was even worse. And now we’re here; the third film, manipulatively named The Last Dance to imply we have reached the end of the road on this truly gripping story, meaning we’re going to go out with a bang. But it’s not really a bang like a firework; more like a bang of explosive diarrhea hitting the toilet bowl.

Venom: The Last Dance is nothing. It does nothing, satisfies nothing, and means nothing. It’s an overly complicated yet shockingly barren film that has not learned from the missteps of its past films and has opted to continue to crap out ill conceived and underbaked ideas while coasting on the recognizability of the titular character. The duo of Eddie Brock and Venom are the high point, but that high point is only a few inches off the ground. It’s shockingly boring, barren of any real sense of joy or emotion, and it immediately backtracks on its own identity as soon as it can, because when has Sony ever been able to turn down a couple extra bucks.

Eddie Brock and his symbiote pal are on the run from the government and try to head to New York to seek asylum. But they quickly find out that they are also being hunted by monsters sent by a galactic evil that needs something the two have. From there, the duo engage in a buddy road trip where they meet new faces, old friends, and plenty of wasted potential.

I said Eddie and Venom’s relationship is still the highlight of the film, but I thought it’s never felt weaker than this film. They’re still kind of the same bickering married couple, only this time the film makes it a point to try to remind you of how much they’ve been through together. All the ups and downs and the wacky misadventures, as if you were supposed to really feel something for this pairing. These two losers’ relationship never feels as deep or as personal as the film suggests, but I can’t really blame Tom Hardy for a lot of it. His Eddie Brock has gotten increasingly more sweaty and dirty as the film goes on, and I like that. I do like that he’s stayed a schmuck that gets progressively more confident throughout the films, but as a character I feel like there’s not a ton to get behind. As for his Venom voice…yeah, I still can’t understand what he’s saying half the time.

As for the supporting cast, it’s the same crime as the previous films: talented actors given absolute hogwash to work with. Chiwetel Ejiofor and Rhys Ifans are probably the biggest head scratches here considering Ejiofor is the MCU’s Baron Mordo while Ifans portrayed The Lizard in The Amazing Spider-Man and more recently, Spider-Man: No Way Home. Given how it seems Sony has been adamant about finding ways to join their universe with the MCU, this feels weirdly misguided and proof that they have no real direction ahead. Ejiofor’s Rex Strickland is pretty much a generic military commander, while Ifans’ Martin Moon does deliver on some goofy, hippy shenanigans that ultimately doesn’t lead to anything worthwhile. And then there’s Knull, god and creator of the symbiotes, who is orchestrating the whole thing to free himself from a galactic prison. You could tell Sony wants this to be their Thanos-level threat, which seems odd to introduce in what you’re labeling as your finale. Hint hint. Aside from a big dumb exposition dump at the beginning and a worthless mid credits scene, he does not leave an impact in the slightest, purely a pair of jingly keys to shake at you to try and convince you this film is better than it is.

The biggest detractor of these films for me has been the writing. Now, I know what I’m getting myself into with a film like this. I’m not expecting Aaron Sorkin-levels of dialogue and wit, but I’m at least expecting it to be entertaining. Venom is a funny character, and despite Hardy’s weird but entertaining line deliveries, I never found anything he said to be funny on its own. Almost every attempt at being humorous or clever fell flat to me. Say what you will about the quippiness of the MCU, but that has a far higher batting average than anything Sony has created. Everything that isn’t meant to be funny just ends up being bland stereotypical action movie jargon, feeling like filler that’s meant to be glossed up later in a rewrite. Sometimes the writing doesn’t make a ton of sense. Take these Xenophage aliens hunting Venom; they see in static grayscale and can only track Venom when he is in his full form. If Venom turns back into Eddie, he’s pretty much invisible to them, even if he’s standing right in front of them. But Venom can still project himself without triggering their sight, it’s only when he’s fully formed. Does this mean Venom could just, like, leave one of Eddie’s fingers visible when formed and the aliens couldn’t find them? Also, when Eddie and Venom get separated, the Xenophage still knows to track the helicopter they are being carried in despite it being unable to see them a minute earlier when they were right in front of it? Sure, this is maybe nitpicking, but I think it just reflects how little thought went into this.

Here’s a scene that I think perfectly encapsulates Sony’s handling of the Spider-Man properties. So, Rex Strickland is tracking Venom to Vegas, and he has a call with a shady higher-up asking for permission to utilize “The Six”. Ooo, sounds so cool and badass. Now, we know Strickland works for an organization that’s housing several symbiotes, so my first thought was “Oh, they’re going to send in a special ops team bonded with symbiotes to hunt down Venom, and then later on Venom and those symbiotes will have to team up to face a common threat”. But the very next scene when Venom is captured, it’s just six regular special ops guys that subdues him. Those symbiotes come into play later, but their inclusion feels way less meaningful and uninteresting. That’s Sony’s Marvel films; they have interesting tools at their disposal, but they have no clue how to utilize them to their fullest potential. 

What else is there even to say? The effects for Venom and the Xenophages are quite good, but a lot of these digitally generated environments look terrible, and some of the other symbiote effects in this are just downright laughable. The needle drops are predictable and boring; I guess the well they call the Sony music vault is running a little dry. 

Earlier this year, Sony put out Madame Web, one of the worst superhero films I’ve seen in years. It’s a baffling mess of a movie, but honestly I’m currently wondering if I liked it more than this. Yeah, Madame Web is laughably terrible, but at least it made me feel some kind of emotion; at least it was so bad that I couldn’t look away. I wanted to mentally check out multiple times throughout this, despite there being some semi-decent action sequences and corny fun. Venom: The Last Dance, like the first two films, does not do the character justice, nor does it come together to form a baseline decent movie. It’s mindless, but not in a way that impresses you with the sheer absurdity of it; it just makes your eyes glaze over and smooths your brain into a slick pebble. It has no real admirable identity to it, no real style or substance that makes me think “Hey, at least an effort was made.” Some people are trying, like Hardy, the VFX team, and the marketing team considering this thing is doing well at the box office, but it isn’t enough to make me like this. This isn’t even “The Last Ride” as the film labels itself; it’s just has no stakes, no emotional resonance, and no reason to put my faith into Sony’s live-action Marvel properties. 

RATING

LETHAL PROTECTOR

The symbiote unlocks a darker side of yourself, sometimes making you do crazy things, like drink balsamic vinegar! But actually, you don’t need a space parasite to justify that. Balsamic has been utilized in cocktails for many years now, opening the door for new and exciting flavor combinations. The Lethal Protector is my crack at it, combining the potent vinegar flavor alongside biting tequila, tart lemon, and sweet blackberries. The final product is quite nice and refreshing, with just a little bit of burn thanks to the inclusion on ginger beer. If you’re a fan of margaritas, this is a great starting point on your journey into balsamic cocktails and referring to yourself with plural pronouns.

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5oz tequila
• 1/2oz blue curacao
• 3/4oz balsamic vinegar
• 3/4oz lemon juice
• 4 blackberries
• pinch of black sugar
• Rim: Salt
• Top: Ginger beer

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Using a lemon wedge, rim a glass with salt, then set aside.
2. Add vinegar and blackberries to a shaker, then muddle.
3. Add additional ingredients and ice, then shake to chill.
4. Double strain into prepared glass.
5. Top with ginger beer.

What a year for popstar horror, a sub genre I didn’t think existed until maybe a few months ago. Trap gave us Lady Raven’s concert as the centerpiece of a murderous manhunt, and now we have Skye Riley with her tour in jeopardy thanks to a murderous, smiling spirit. This is what Chappel Roan was trying to warn us about!

I thought 2022’s Smile was admittedly better than expected, which wasn’t hard to achieve since expectations were already subterranean. Sorry, but Truth or Dare ruined any chance of me finding warped, Kubrick-esque smiles scary. Still, director Parker Finn did manage to inject some level of sophistication into what would otherwise be a college short film type premise. It juggled the depression metaphors of the quote unquote elevated horror genre, while also being chock full of cheap jumpscares that picked up the slack for the film’s lack of tension, to what I would call a moderate success. And a financial one, which means we might just have a new horror franchise on our hands. Yippee.

Smile 2 ends up being more of the same but comes in a much more appealing, intriguing shell. Putting the focus on a traumatized pop star dealing with the demons of her past makes for an impactful premise that does manage to say a little something about the pressures of the music industry and self accountability. The camera work is slick and the sprinklings of gore are impressively bloody and brutal, but if you were looking for a new spin on the premise or even an expansion of the film’s otherworldly force, you might be disappointed. The final product does manage to give moviegoers a fun, spooky time, but if you’re like me, you may find yourself frustrated with its predictability and lopsided scares.

Skye Riley is a pop star on her comeback tour after the death of her boyfriend and recovering from substance abuse. As if that wasn’t stressful enough, she comes into contact with an unseen force that makes her see hallucinations of smiling people that makes her question her own reality. And blah blah blah, insert Justin Timberlake quote here.

A setup like this doesn’t work unless your lead is giving their all, and thankfully Naomi Scott does bring it. You never really think she’s anything other than a music megastar, yet her own guilt and self-hatred over her past does humanize her enough to feel grounded for us normies. While her grapples with trauma don’t necessarily say anything different from what the main character in the first film experienced, narrowing the view to the music industry does make it a bit more intriguing. From manipulative manager moms to creepy superfans, it’s all admittedly a lot, though I kind of wish it all led to something a bit more revelatory for the character. The film is quite bleak, and I think that would have worked better if the character of Skye Riley experienced more change over the course of the film than a simple haunting. Really the most strenuous thing she goes through is her chugging multiple of those big ass Voss water bottles in one go. Go piss girl!

I’m a bit mixed on the scares in this. On one hand, I think there’s some really well paced, slow moments that hit with suitable payoff. There’s a naked man in the dark that gave me real Hereditary vibes, while a wriggling mass of smiling backup dancers lead to a slightly goofy but well structured onslaught. And yeah, some of the jump scares are actually pretty smart and effective, but not all of them. A lot of them boil down to blindsiding you with a loud noise out of nowhere, and I just think it feels lazy at times, like they forgot to write something spooky into a scene so they just throw a quick face in there. Luckily the blood and guts, in the few times we do see them, is quite good. The practical and digital effects are so seamless and revolting and lead to an ample amount of blood. And I’m sorry to say again, but yeah, the smiling thing isn’t all that scary to me. I think it’s overdone at this point and just makes me laugh more than anything. I don’t know, maybe they should try a different expression? Maybe not a smile but that smug Dreamworks smirk? I’d crap myself if everyone around me just started doing that.

The entity in this isn’t given a ton of explanation and structure, which isn’t a bad thing. I like when there’s vagueness to a creature that can’t always be explained by some expert. But at the same time, like the first film, I did find the rules to be a bit too loose and convenient for my taste. There’s never a lot of consistency to when and how the spirit can affect you. In theory it should give the monster some unpredictability, but it actually had the adverse effect on me, to the point where I clued in to exactly where the film would end up, meaning that a lot of the struggles Skye goes through feel all for not way earlier than they should. It doesn’t help that the film plays out almost exactly to the last one, with the same hoops being jumped through from the introduction of the evil, to the realization of what the MC is up against, to their attempts to stop it. It all ends with grim implications that actually reflect Truth or Dare’s ending more than the first film’s, and while I found it predictable I still think it was darkly fun.

I definitely enjoyed Smile 2 more than its predecessor despite its similarities. The struggles of the tortured pop star are far more engaging, due in part to an all-in performance from Scott. The scares aren’t always the most well structured, but the bulk of the film still maintains tight editing and admirable pacing, even if I think it goes on a bit long. At the end of the day I think it’s a super simple but effective melding of different horror tastes that I think will be genuine crowd pleaser for most. If this franchise is to keep going forward though, it needs a complete makeover of its premise and structure, because I really don’t see how this exact story can work a third time without me getting bored. Keep the editing, keep the practical effects, ditch the need to throw a spooky face out of nowhere.

RATING

GRIN & TONIC

Smiles can often be bitter sweet, hiding something beneath the surface. But the Grin & Tonic has nothing to hide; it’s an in your face, bitter cocktail that’s reigned in thanks to some welcome herbal and citrus notes. A bit of a cross between a gin and tonic and an Aperol spritz, this bubbly, slightly Christmas-spiced cocktail may just have you grinning from ear to ear, whether it be from a pair of demon hands or not.

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz gin
• 1/2oz sloe gin
• 1/2oz tart cherry juice
• 1/2oz Aperol
• Top: tonic water
• 3 dashes orange bitters
• Garnish: orange peel

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add gin, sloe gin, cherry juice Aperol and bitters to a tall glass with ice.
2. Top with tonic water.
3. Garnish with an orange peel in the shape of a smile.